Secrets
by BroodyBlondes4ever
Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to turn their backs on her. Chapter 4 rewritten! R&R please!
1. Normal Days

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 1: Normal Days**

**POV: Rachel**

My name is Rachel.

And it's a rare occasion when I actually get to relax. But that's exactly what I'm doing now. It's Saturday and I'm lying on the beach, I'm not here to kick some Yeerk's ass, but to sit back and enjoy myself. The only thing that could make this day better is Tobias. We've grown a lot closer over the past few months. He had decided to come back to school for our senior year. Every one at school knew we were an 'item'. Bullies like Andy and Tap-tap don't really bother him anymore. I didn't have anything to do with that…well not much. I think Tobias knows, but he never says anything and neither do I. He may be a sweet-heart, but he's still got that male ego thing and somehow I don't think his blonde 'mall-rat' girlfriend fighting off bullies makes him feel like a man.

I was so lost in my thought I didn't notice when someone came up behind me. They picked me up by my waist and covered my eyes. I felt them running and my heart began to race. I screamed and kicked but it was no use, the more I fought the stronger their grip became. I thought about morphing but I figured there had to be another way outta this…even if I couldn't think of one at the moment. I don't get scared very easily but this was making me panic. The next thing I knew I was under water. I spun my body around and saw a guy with ear length black hair. I laughed to myself knowing it was Tobias. I stood up ready to push him in the water, but my smirk quickly faded because it wasn't a smiling Toby standing in front of me. It was Rick.

Rick is the captain of the football team. He's tall, built, and he's asked me out about 50 times since our junior year. I got the feeling it was about to be 51.

"Let me guess…you were expecting your dorky boyfriend."

I ignored his smart-ass comment. "What do you want?"

"Nothing much, I've just been thinking a lot, mostly about you." All I could do was roll my eyes, this guy was pathetic. "What does a beautiful girl like you see in a dweeb like Tobias?"

"_I'm_ gunna go back to what I was doing, and _you're _gunna"

"Go harass somebody else." I spun around to see Tobias standing behind me. The frown on my face disappeared.

"Whatever" Rick said and with a wave of his hand he was gone.

"This is a surprise" I said as Tobias put his arms around my waist.

"Well I figured we have a day off and while I was flying I made a decision" he said as he leaned his forehead against mine.

"Oh really"

"Yeah

"And what did you decide"

"That there is no one I'd rather spend the day with" I just stared at him, getting lost in his brown eyes. There was so much in those eyes. The pain, the fear, the weariness, but the things that stood out most to me was the love. I've gone out with guys and they say they love me, but most of the time its cuz they wanna get lucky. But with Tobias there are times when it's written all over his face and I know that all he really wants is for me to love him back, and I do. I know most people would say that we're too young to know what love is, that it's just a fling or something. But its not, it's so much more then that.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" he asked me, breaking my train of thought. All I did was smile at him and grab his hand. I lead him back up to my towel and pulled him down to sit next to me. We just sat there for about ten minutes, not saying anything.

"It's so gorgeous" I said as I leaned my head on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but it doesn't compare to you" I looked up at him. He leaned down and lightly kissed me. God how I wished we could just live in this moment forever. Everything was normal. I was just a girl sitting on the beach with her boyfriend. I felt Tobias's finger wipe my face. I hadn't realized I started crying. It shocked me a little because I don't cry very easily. I looked at him once again mesmerized by those eyes. I reluctantly turned my head to look out at the sunset. The tears started falling again. He wiped the tears away. He put his hand on my forehead.

"I wish this moment could last forever" he said as he gently laid my head on his shoulder. Anyone else would have been terrified that I Rachel Berenson, aka Xena to Marco, was crying. But not Tobias, he knew why. That's one of the things I love about him, I don't have to explain everything, we can just read each other. He always knows how to make me feel better and lately, cuz of the war, I've been needing that a lot.

"I love you Tobias"

"I love you Rach" he said as he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead. Everything felt right. It was like a movie, a dream. Everything was perfect.


	2. Marco the Mighty

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 2: Marco the Mighty**

**POV: Marco**

I'm jealous.

I'm up in the sky, riding the thermals watching two people my age having a normal life, and I'm jealous.

My name is Marco and I'm and Animorph.

I'm not to sure if it's a gift as Elfangor called it. I think of it as more of a curse. I'm a senior and I can't keep a girl 'cause I'm constantly leaving dates for unexplainable reasons. Anytime I try to do something normal some kind of alien has to go and ruin it. It would be so much easier if I could get a girl that had the same problems as me, but there are only two girls in our group. Cassie is unofficially dating my best bud Jake. And then there is the supermodel warrior queen Rachel, who I happen to be watching right now. No I'm not stalking her or anything. I was just flying around when I spotted her. Xena and Bird-boy. The two of them sitting on the beach watching the sun set.

Like I said I'm jealous. Sure part of me is jealous of Tobias because he got the girl every guy in school drools over. But that's not it. I'm jealous of them because at the moment they didn't have a care in the world. They were just being a happy normal couple. I'm also jealous of _them_. Sure Cassie and Jake have a special relationship. They are perfect for each other, they're relationship is ideal. But even with all that they don't even begin to compare to Rachel and Tobias. Since we started this war everyone knew they were perfect for each other. We as in the other Animorphs knew it before they did. They danced around they're feeling for each other, but we all knew. Rachel and Tobias are what you call soul mates, and I wish that I could have that. I wish I had someone who was going to be there for me whenever I needed them. Someone who I could comfort, and who would comfort me.

I turned towards my house. There are so many times I wish I could just quit this whole war, but that's not gunna happen. As much as I hate this whole thing, it feels great knowing that you're saving mankind. I'm a hero. I'm not quite like superman, but that's alright. I think I'm more important then him anyway. Superman usually saved Metropolis from evil people, me I save the world from evil slugs and other alien species. Plus I'm not made of steel, a Hork-bajir blade will actually kill me. Therefore in conclusion: if Superman is a superhero then I'm a super-superhero. Yup that's me Marco the Mighty.

I nearly passed my house thinking of names for myself. I looked down into my front yard and saw Jake sitting in my driveway. Hey amigo, what's up? I asked as I flew into my bedroom window. It was kinda dark so I didn't have to worry about some bystander wondering why an Osprey just flew into a house. I demorphed and went downstairs to let Jake in.

"Hey" he said as he came inside. "Your not gunna like this" I dreaded the words that came next. "We have a mission tomorrow."

"I knew we couldn't have a full weekend off. I mean we didn't even have homework to do. So of coarse there's some suicidal mission to go on." I said in an irritated voice.

"I know man I was looking forward to the day off too. I gotta run, we're meeting in Cassie's barn tomorrow at noon. See-ya." And with that he let himself out. I walked upstairs.

"At least I don't have to worry about what's gunna happen on this mission yet" I muttered to myself as I plopped on my bed to play video games for the rest of the night.


	3. My Sacrafice

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 2: My Sacrifice**

**POV: Tobias**

As the sun set I laid there holding Rachel in my arms. It was times like this that made me question my decision to remain a hawk. But deep down I know that I can't give up on this war, not yet. I felt Rachel's breathing grow deeper and steadier. I smiled as I looked down at her. She was my sleeping beauty. I could have stayed like that for the rest of the night, if it wasn't for that little rule that says I have to demorph every 2 hours.

"Rach" I whispered as I shook her gently. She stirred in my arms. I couldn't help but smile again. She was so peaceful. Since this war I've noticed that the darkness in her has grown, and it scares me. But I can see that it scares her too. I can't imagine what its like to be scared of yourself. Rachel's always so high-strung. I looked down at her again and got ready to shake her, but I couldn't do it. Instead, I picked her up in my arms and carried her. She moaned slightly as she turned into my body. I walked to her house thinking about how lucky I was to have her. I loved her and all her faults. As much as I hate this war, I love it at the same time because it gave me Rachel. I grew up not knowing what it was to be loved. When I met Rachel I fell in love with her but I never thought she would love me back. But she did.

When I got to her house there was no one home. I reached into her bag and found the key. I struggled for a little bit but eventually got the front door open. I went upstairs and into her room. I placed her things on the floor and laid her on the bed. I quickly demorphed and remophed before going to sit on the edge of her bed. I watched her sleep as I moved the hair out of her face. She opened her eyes and smiled at me.

"You carried me all the way here" she asked as she sat up. I nodded and pulled her to sit on my lap. She dropped my hand, turned around and straddled my legs. She leaned her forehead against mine as I put my arms around her waist. I kissed her lightly on the lips. We parted after about 10 seconds and looked at each other. She smiled and then kissed me again. She put her hands around my neck and played with my hair. Her tongue danced along my bottom lip, and I graciously opened my mouth. The kiss rapidly deepened and before I knew it I was lying on her bed. My hands slid under her shirt and massaged her back. I started messing with the bow on her bikini top but stopped myself.

"Lets not get carried away Rach" I said as I broke the kiss. She rolled off my chest and sat up. I sat up positioned myself so she was between my legs. She leaned back, completely relaxed. I kissed the side of her head and grabbed her hands. I brought them up to my mouth.

"You know I love you right" I said as I said as I wrapped our intertwined hands around her body. I kissed the side of her head again, then her neck, then her shoulder. She laughed and tired to squirm but I tightened my grip.

"Really" she said between laughs.

"Yup" I answered while alternating between kissing her head, neck and shoulder.

"Now" I said leaning both our bodies forward. "The question is how much do you love me" I said with a devilish grin.

"Who said I loved you" she looked at me and smirked.

"I'm hurt" I put on a sad face and dropped her hands. "You sure you don't love me" she just look at me still smirking.

"You asked for it" and with that I started tickling her. She began laughing hysterically.

"Stop"

"Do you love me?"

"No"

"Cant stop then sorry"

"You are so gunna pay for this later"

"No I'm not. All you have to do is admit that your head over heals in love with me"

"Someone's a little cocky today"

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, now stop"

"How much?"

"Tobias Fangor I am madly, deeply, head over heals in love with you"

"Good to know" I said as I pulled her down to lay on top of me. She kissed me. The kiss would have grown deeper but the phone rang. She leaned over to her night stand and answered the phone.

"Hello" I strained to hear the other voice but human ears are nowhere as good as a hawk's. "I knew it was too good to be true" Rachel sighed. "Alright talk to you tomorrow"

"That was Cass" she said as she hung up the phone. "We have a mission tomorrow, so we're meeting up in the barn at noon."

"Fun" I said sarcastically. Just then I heard the front door open.

"I better go"

"Yeah" I kissed her one last time before I demorphed and flew away into the night. The day had been perfect. I had a day as a normal teenager, and I spent it with the person I love.


	4. Break Me

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 4: Break Me  
**

**POV: Rachel**

* * *

I watched Tobias fly off into the night. I couldn't help but smile to myself as my eyes lingered on the dark sky, even after he was out of my sight. I blinked hard, breaking whatever trance I had just fallen into, and headed downstairs.

"Mom" I called out but she didn't answer. I got this weird feeling but I quickly shook it off. I have a tendency to get paranoid about things…I guess fighting a war against killer slugs can do that to you.

"Jordon, Sara." Still no answer. I walked down the hall and into the kitchen, but there was no one there. I looked around and walked back into the living room, but no one was in there either. I could've sworn I heard the door open and shut…Tobias had heard it too. But there was no one in the house…anywhere. I turned around, ready to head back up stairs, but I stopped and looked around. Something didn't feel right. _'get a grip Rachel'_ I thought to myself as I shook off whatever I was feeling.

My eyes darted around the room once more, and that's when I caught sight of the open window. I watched the wind blow in, pushing the blinds up away from the sill, and then they fell back down, causing a dull thud to echo through my ears. That's what I had heard and I can't help but laugh at how girly I suddenly felt. Me…Xena the Warrior Princess…I was freaking out over a set of plastic blinds. I shake my head and trudge up the stairs, but my feet seem to be moving slower with each step. It's like something extremely eerie is settling in the pit of my stomach…trying to tell me something…trying to warn me…of what, I don't know.

I walked back upstairs and headed to my room. When I got there I couldn't seem to keep my attention on one thing for very long. I turned on my CD player, but then decided I didn't wanna listen to it. So I sat down on my bed and looked at a magazine. I started reading but when I got to the end of the page I realized I had no clue what I just read, so I figured reading wasn't gunna work. I had to do something I couldn't just sit up in my room and do nothing…the boredom would drive me insane…and if it didn't, the thinking and severe paranoia would surely do the trick. I quickly changed from my bathing suit and shorts into a pair of jeans and a baby blue t-shirt. I grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs. I stopped to grab my keys out of my beach bag, my eyes taking one last glance around the room. I've got to stop freaking out over nothing…it's going to kill the image of me that Marco created.

I left the house and just started walking. I had no particular destination in mind, and that usually means that I'm on my way to Tobias's meadow. However, I was going in the opposite direction. I walked around my neighborhood not really thinking about anything…after all that was the point of my little excursion, to clear my head of all the nonsense flying around up there. It wasn't till about 8 o'clock that I finally turned around and headed back towards my house. As I was walking I heard footsteps behind me, but when I turned around I saw a man turn into the 7-11. I laughed inside and continued walking. The wind started blowing and it looked like it was about to rain so I walked a little faster…the last thing I needed was to be soaked to the core and wind up with a cold later on.

I heard footsteps behind me again, but then I heard a door close and they stopped. _'What is wrong with me today'_ I thought to myself as I shook my head. But as much as I tried to ignore the feeling inside, something wasn't right…I knew it. I consciously began to walk faster…right now I really just want to be up in my room. The sky suddenly lit up and the thunder roared so loud it made me jump. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves as I continued walking. I saw a shadow mix with mine, but before I could turn around the person held a piece of cloth over my face and dragged me between two of the stores. I tried to fight but I could feel my strength fading. Before I knew it everything went black.

I was met with a splitting headache the moment I opened my eyes, and I shut them tightly because I could even glimpse at anything. I squinted until I managed to open my eyes fully. Sitting up and looking around the room, I suddenly remember vaguely how I had wound up here.. I got off the bed I was laying on and tried to figure out where I was. I wrapped my arms around my shoulders as I got this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. This feelings was ten times worse than the one I had earlier…it's not a inkling anymore…now I know for a fact something's wrong.

"So she wakes up" a man's voice echoed through the room as the lights dimmed. I looked towards the voice but the man had his face covered with a black ski mask. I wanted to throw up as he started walking towards me. I tried to back up but fell onto the bed.

"Well aren't we anxious to get started?" The grin on his face is sickening…the implication behind his words even more so.

"What do you want" I'm surprised by how firm my voice sounds…how drastically it differs from how I'm currently feeling. Letting my fear fuel my anger, I give him my most intense glare as I get off the bed..

"Always a fighter Rachel. I can see why Marco calls you Xena." I can't prevent my reaction to his words, and he laughs as my face falls…my stomach twisting in all the wrong directions. I wasn't some random victim, this guy knew me, which means he planned this…whatever this is.

"What do you want" I asked again, but this time, despite my best efforts, my voice wasn't as angry. I'm silently praying that this is really about the Animorphs. That this sick man is really just that…sick. That's he's got Yeerk in his brain that has figured out my connection to this war.

"You" There's something distinctly human about the look in his eyes and inflection of his voice but I ignore it, refusing to believe this isn't about the war. I refuse to believe that I could be fighting a full out war against a group of aliens, but somehow it'll be human that is the cause of my undoing. "I was told I couldn't have you, but I get what I want. And you know what, I get it when I want it. And I want you, I want you right here and right now" He steps closer to me and I can physically feel the anger in my depleting. There's nothing else to describe it…I'm scared...plain and simple… it's not anger…just freight.

My stomach clenches more than I thought possible as I become acutely aware of the situation I'm in…no long able to pretend that I don't know what this is about. He was gunna hurt me in possibly the worst way.

"What makes you think you're getting anything from me" I sneer as I try to conjure the glare back into my eyes, trying to fake the furry I seem to have lost.

"Because like I said, I _get _what I want" There's something eerily calm about him, like he knows my fighting is pointless.

I have to get out of here…it's the only thing I can think of as he stares at me in a way that makes my skin crawl. I ran past him, dodging what I should recognize is a half hearted attempt at stopping me. I make it to the door, realizing entirely too late that it's locked from the inside. I twist and pull at the knob despite the clear sound of jingling keys coming from behind me. His hands are on my shoulders an instant later as he spins me around pushing me back against the door. The pressure against my shoulders produces something between a gasp and a whimper as her leans towards me so that our faces are inches apart, his breath blowing in my face.

"You're not going anywhere Rach" I kick him in shins and try to break away, but he only moves his hands down to my upper arms and tightens his grip. "Now that _wasn't _very smart" he growls. He pulls me close to him and presses his lips harshly against mine before turning us around and all but throwing me further into the room. I can't stop myself from falling to the floor, my wrist twisting the wrong way as it unsuccessfully tries to break my fall, my head hitting the foot of the bed hard enough to cause an instant headache.

_'You have to stay up, don't go and pass out'_. I shake my head trying to prevent my eyes from rolling back. I take a deep breath and attempt to stand up immediately knowing that it's a bad idea. Everything starts spinning, the pounding in my hear increasing unbearably as I stumble towards the nearest wall, away from the bed. I put my hand to my forehead, and before I know it he's in front of my again, his body pressing up against mine.

"You know this could have been a lot easier. But no your Rachel, you like to make things hard." He places his hand on my leg and moves himself closer to me. I can feel his hand moving up my leg and turn towards my inner thigh and I can't stop my entire body from tensing. His head bows and his eyes watch the movement of his hand, and I take the opportunity to slap him across the face as hard as I can, making sure to drag my nails across his skin. He grabs my wrist, barely seeming phased, and slams me into the wall. His head falls into place next to mine as he whispers into my ear. "I'd advice you not to do that again". There's barely any sign of anger in his voice…just the same disturbing sense of calm. He uses of his hands to pin both of mine abouve our heads, and I can't seem to recall a time I felt so small and defenseless. I can't stop myself from cringing as he replaces his hands between my clamped thighs, his fingers continuing their course upwards.

"Get off of me" I scream, but I have the sickening feelings that my voice is not nearly as loud as I wanted it to be…that it comes across more pleading than angry.

"Go ahead and scream no one can hear you" It's almost as if he's smiling as he says this. He looks thoroughly satisfied with himself as he takes his hand from my thigh and wraps his arm around my back, effortlessly lifting me up and proceeding towards the bed. He lays my down and straddles my legs, all his movements gentle and careful, eerily similar to the way Tobias had done earlier this evening.

I told myself that I wouldn't morph unless I knew there wasn't another way out of this. I have no idea if this guy is a controller or not,even though I'm leaning more towards not. Regardless, I can't just let him go around telling people that I could turn into animals. I would have to kill him and as much as he deserved to die I didn't have the right to kill him. There has to be another way out of this.

He leans in a continues kissing my neck, each movement of his lips against my skin making it harder to think clearly. Then out of nowhere he stops looking down at me a smiling, and not in a sick way, but in a way that make it seem like he's expecting me to smile back, which is actually more sick when I think about it. He releases my hands and pulls me upright, quickly but carefully pulling my shirt over my head, before pressing my body back into the bed. I try to use my now free hands to push him off of me, but it's not use, his body won't budge.

"Sweetheart you fight too much" there was that gentle voice again...the one that was making me sick to my stomach. I do my best to elbow him below the ribs, and although the movement is awkward and without much force, it succeeds in pushing him off of me. I move as quickly as I can to scramble off the bed, but he grabs one of my ankles, throwing me off balance and sending me face first onto the floor.

"Now that wasn't very nice" He's still smiling as turns me over and reassumes his position straddling me. He locks my hands above my head again trailing his other one trialing an excruciatingly slow path down the center of my torso until he reaches the top of my jeans. He meets my eyes as he unbuttons and unzips them, sending my mind in a panic as my hands try desperately to break free. "I'm sorry but you have to stop fighting" Still smiling…that sick twisted smile that make my stomach churn. I try to focus on the part of me that wants to knock every last one of his teeth out. I'm supposed to be the violent, angry one of our group…the blood-thirsty, fearless warrior. But I don't feel anything like that girl right now, and I can't hold onto my anger the way I so desperately want to. My wrists feel like their being rubbed raw from trying so hard to pull away, and the pain in the one that's probably already sprained is gradually getting worse from all the twisting. The feeling of tears pricks the back of my eyes, but I can't be sure if it's from the feel of a bone breaking as he tightens his grip on my wrists, or from the feel of my jeans sliding down my hips. I'm not sure how he does it, but moments later my jeans are one the floor and he fingers are not deftly working on his own. Without any further hesitation I close my eyes and imagine a grizzly…I'll deal with the consequences later, getting away is my first priority. I can see the fur in my head, but the image is ripped away from me as his fist hits my face.

"Now it's not fun if you're not awake" He's too calm. He lets go of my hands and I immediately try to hit him despite the pain radiating down my arm, but he keeps blocking my attempts, laughing like I'm a child throwing a tantrum. I make contact with his face once and he his laughter instantly stops, his fist connecting with my cheek again.

_'Damn it Rachel morph!' _I close my eyes again and try to concentrate through the fear, but my concentration is broken again. But this time it's not from his fist. It's from by the sharp pain between my legs. My eyes open but I immediately shut them again as he pushes himself deeper inside of me. He's thrusting more vigorously, more violently, and I can't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks from how bad it all hurts. There's no fear or anger anymore, I can't conjure any type of emotion. The only thing I can feel now is the immense pain that was radiating through my body. My back involuntarily arches from the force. Everything in me seems to hurt.

"No screams" he says, and I'm momentarily confused because I can't remember screaming. Then I realize it's not a command, but a question…that he wants me to scream, that he's waiting for it. Normally I'd be defiant, keep my mouth closed because he wants me to scream so badly. But I want to scream, I've wanted to since he first forced himself inside of me, but I couldn't. I can't do anything.

Then suddenly he's not on top of me anymore. I don't know where he's gone and I don't attempt to look around. I don't care. I curl myself into a little ball in the center of the floor. '_Stop crying. You can't cry You'll get through this.'_ I manage to make the tears stop, but as much as I try to convince myself that I'm going to be fine, the truth is that I want to die. Right here, right now I just want to stop breathing. I close my eyes hoping that they won't open again, or that when they do I will be laying in my bed at home and this will all have been a nightmare.

"Scream" I hear his voice as his foot connects with my side.

"Common you know you want to. Just scream, it'll be fun." He kicks me again and I feel something break inside me…physically and mentally. He pulls me up by my hair as he kneels down on the floor in front of me. "I want to hear you scream" Gone is the gentleness and calm that was once in his voice, replaced by a undeniable malice and determination. I keep my mouth shut as I used every ounce of energy I have to send him what I can only hope is a defiant glare.

"Fine, be that way…" He grabs my broken wrist and yanks me up at he gets to feet, and I can't stop the strangled cry that leaves my mouth, his satisfaction quickly evident on his face. "Now didn't that feel good.." He smiles, overly please with himself, before he grabs my other hands, pulling my face to his and pressing his mouth harshly against mine as he forces me backwards and onto the bed. The moment he lets go of my hands I'm swinging at him again, but he doesn't quickly has his hands around my throat, and I can feel my lungs burning in just seconds. I try to pry his hands away but he just tightens his grip.

"I hear this is supposed to errotic…" I know what's coming next, I try to brace myself it, but it does nothing to lessen the pain as he forces my legs apart with his knees and slams into me. I can't do anything but let out these pathetic, literally strangled moans. I can feel the world slipping away from me, and I welcome the approaching darkness, waiting impatiently for it, wanting nothing more than to not feel anymore. But he lets go and drops his body on top of mine, tears welling in my eyes once more, a mix of the pain of so much pressure against cracked ribs and the stolen promise of a loss of consciousness. He continues pushing into me as I beat my fist ineffectually against his back, my body painfully writhing under his. Each thrust feels harder, deeper, and my body feels as though it's literally being split in two. He goes limp against me suddenly, his entire body just collapsing like dead weight against me crushing me as I try to push him out, to push him out. It hurts to breathe, like something sharp is stabbing at my lungs every time I inhale and it make the effort that much more draining. I feel like giving up, but the feel of him just sitting inside me is making me sick. And then he lifts himself up onto his arms and starts to move again. He lips roughly dragging across my lips, my cheeks, my neck, this endless, agonizing cycle.

I don't know how long it goes on…how long forever actually was. I stop counting how many times he stops and starts back up after the third round…too delirious, too broken…too dead inside to know or care about anything other than when it's going to stop. I stopped fighting halfway through the third time, stopped hitting, stopping squirming¸ stopped moaning and whimpering…I just stopped.

Eventually rolls off of me and I can feel my mind slowly resurfacing. I know I should at least try to get away…make some sort of effort, but there's a deep rooted physical pain in the pit of stomach, and I can feel the warmth and stickiness of the blood on the inside of my thighs…I can smell it…I actually can taste the unmistakable metallic flavor of it in my mouth. The last thought strikes me as irrational until I become coherent enough to realize that there actually is blood in my mouth, that there are small red droplets on the white sheet under me. I vaguely remember the immense pressure on my chest, the unbearable pain that came from simply inhaling; I think I remember coughing at some point…I can't be sure. But I don't try to remember…I don't want to. I suddenly become aware of the fact that my legs are shaking, that the muscles surrounding hips are burning in a way that reminds me of when I've accidentally overstretched in gymnastics…except this was no accident and I want nothing more than to curl into a ball simply cease to exists.

His arm suddenly drapes across my stomach and I try to turn away from him, soliciting an irritated groan from his direction. He grabs my swollen wrist and gets off the bed, pulling me with him as he goes.

He drags me over to the full length mirror on the other side of the room, my legs stumbling under me and the pain in my wrist getting continually worse. He stands behind me, stroking my hair. I glimpse in the mirror but have to turn away at the sight underwear clad girl, swollen faced. broken girl staring back at me…a girl I don't recognize at all. He grabs my hair, turning my face forward again before slamming me forward into the glass. He lets go of me and I can't stop myself from sinking to the floor as something warm and thick slides down my face.

"I'm sorry it has to happen this way, but you just won't cooperate" he whispers as he kneels down behind me almost sounding sympathetic. His lips are on my neck again, kissing me in a way that I can only describe as tenderly, in a way that makes this all that much worse.

He starts stroking my hair again as he lifts his lips to my ear. "What a life you live Rachel" I meet his gaze in the mirror. "How many secrets do you have?" He smirks at me and I bristle…he can't possible know about the Animoprhs.

"You always have some excuse for not getting things done. You sneak into your house at all hours of the night, or should I say morning. I don't know what you secret is but I know you have one" he keeps stroking my head and I have to stop myself from breathing a sigh of relief at his admission.

"Your precious boyfriend Tobias, is he the reason you don't go home at night. Come on Rach, wake up sweetheart" he smacks the side of my head like he's trying to knock some sense into me. His hands grazes down my swollen cheek, rounding my chin before sliding down to my chest, my body tensing at his touch. "Tobias, he doesn't give a rat's ass about you. I mean think about it. He's a bully magnet, a total dweeb. He can't get a girl to even look at him and then you happen. The girl every guy in school wants acknowledges him. What did you think he was gunna do, say 'sorry but I'm not interested'. Think again. He's milking you for _all_ your worth Rach. You're nothing but a little toy to him, something to keep the _mean guys_ away, you boost his popularity. Just wait till he finally gets you in bed, he'll get to tell everyone he nailed the gorgeous Rachel Berenson, and then he'll drop you flat on your ass." He looks at me and laughs bitterly. I try to block out what he's saying, but for some reason I can't.

"He doesn't love you; he never did and never will."

"That's not true." I can't stop the murmured words from leaving my mouth, and from the look on his face I can tell that he known I'm trying to convince myself more than him.

"Yes it is, and it always will be with any guy. How many guys do you think are really gunna fall for you? They're gunna sweet talk you and you're gunna fall for it. They'll fuck you and leave you. It'll be an endless cycle in your life. I mean who could really love you." I looked at him with pain and hatred in my eyes. "Think about it babe, you're a liar. Before you graduate you'll be the high school harlot, a slut." His eyes take on an evil glint as he wraps his free arm around me, pulling my body reluctantly against his.

"_Shut up_" I said, my voice shaking.

"Oh and I almost forgot, you're a home wrecker."

"What" That one throws me for a loop.

"You heard me, you're a home wrecker. And the worst pat, you didn't break up just any family. You destroyed your own. Now what kind of person does that? You had to have what you wanted, and you wanted to be a gymnast. They paid for you to have a trainer and drove you to practices and competitions. And what did you do in return: you brought them grief. You know they were always fighting about money, it's basically all they ever fought about. But you just had to have a new wardrobe for school, had to have the best gymnastics trainers. What kind of daughter are you? " Any fight that could have been left in me depletes as he brings up fears that have been in the back of my mind since my parents' divorce.

"It's not true" I whisper hoarsely. I don't know how he knows any of those things…maybe he's just guessing…but either way I suddenly feel like my old seven year old self, wondering what I did to make daddy leave and mommy so angry all the time.

"Oh but it is Rach, it is. No one could ever love you...how could you honestly expect them to…even daddy doesn't want to be around you" He grabs my wrists and pulls me up as thoughts of all the dates my dad has cancelled last minute run through my head. He slams me against the wall and stands inches from my face. "I almost feel bad for you, almost" His hand is crawling up my thigh again, and I let out a choked whimper when I feel his fingers slip inside me. Tears glisten in my eyes and he smiles in satisfaction.

He grabs me by the shoulders suddenly and shoves me across the room my body falling to the floor as I lose my balance, my foot twisting awkwardly under me. I try to crawl away, trying to pull myself towards a door that I know is hopelessly locked. I feel his grip on my ankle and I'm flipped onto my back before he pulls me toward him He's on his knees, and my hips lift into the air as he forces himself into me again. I scream…a pained and loud cry escaping my throat. He was getting what he wanted…and he laughed about it, laughed and pushed himself deeper inside of me, his nails digging into my outer thighs as he repeatedly pulls me toward him.

"I suggest you don't tell anyone about this little mishap" he whispers into my as he stills his movements, his body hovering over mine. "I _will_ kill you, understand" I don't answer I just want him to stop. I don't move, I don't fight, I just lay there oblivious to the world, all I can feel is overwhelming pain. He begins to thrust again, making my back arch. "Do you understand? Yes or no?" I nodded my head slightly, my fingers and toes involuntarily curling as he pushes himself impossibly deeper and my voice becomes lost in the back of my throat.

"Good." He pulls himself out of me and leaves me on the floor. "I'll be watching." He winks at me as he pulls his pants on and walks out of the room like nothing's happened, leaving the door open. It isn't until I hear another door slam and a car start and pull away that I curl myself into a ball.

'_Get up Rachel, you have to get up and get out of here before he comes back!"_ I push myself up and drag myself towards my clothes. I put them on ignoring the sharp throbbing in my sides. I take an uneasy look at my reflection in the shattered mirror. I can't go home looking the way I do…but if I morph every last shred of evidence will be gone…the blood and breaks and bruises, his skin under my nails. But maybe that's a good thing.

I try to concentrate on the grizzly but it won't come to me. I take a deep breath and try again. I feel the changes slowly start to occur, and soon I'm a bear standing in the middle of this unknown wrecked room. I demorphed.

Physically I was fine, I looked like I did just an hour ago. However, mentally, I was a mess. I turned towards the door and slowly walked out of the room…out of a house with a foreclosure sign neatly stuck in the front yard. Wherever I was…it had no connection to whoever he was…it was why he just left me there. My first thought is to find an alley and morph…it would be faster to fly home. But as I walk past a dark area, the idea of going in there terrifies me so badly that I feel physically sick. So instead I begin what turns out to be 45 minute trip home in the dark.

When I finally get home there's still no one there. I walk upstairs and into my room. My first thought is to morph and go find Tobias and let him wrap his arms around me and promise me it will all be okay.

"**He doesn't love you; he never did and never will."**

I shake my head to clear of such a ludicrous idea as I mutter to myself that it's not true. But I don't morph. Instead I go into the bathroom and take a shower, a long one. I let the hot water beat down on me until there isn't any left. And then I stand there and shiver until I finally find the will to make myself get out.

I wipe the steam off the mirror and look at my reflection feeling instantly sick. When I finally leave the bathroom I hear my mom and sisters talking downstairs, but instead of going down there to join them like a normally would, I pad over to my door and lock it. As crawl into my bed, pulling the covers tightly up around me, I curl myself into a tight ball, unable to stop the assault of images taking over my mind.

I'm fighting a war against mind controlling aliens, a part of blood filled battles, yet somehow it's one of my own…a free minded human being that breaks me.

And I realize that I feel completely and utterly broken. Broken in a way that can't be fixed. I curl tighter into myself and for the first time that night, I do more than let a few stray tells fall. I find myself crying, my entire body shaking as I muffle the unwanted sounds with my pillow.


	5. Problems Arise

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 5: Problems**

**POV: Cassie**

_-Happy Birthday to SouthrnBelle- _

**The next day**

I looked at the clock across the room…11:40am. "Twenty minutes left of my normal weekend" I muttered to myself as I got off the couch and turned off the TV. "I'll be back later mom"

"Alright sweetie" I walked out the front door and headed down the dirt path toward the barn. Maybe I can get some cleaning done before the others get here. I have to do it later anyway, so why not get started and kill some time. As I look around the cages I can tell that I probably won't be able to even make a dent in the cleaning.

"Hello Cassie. See." Ax walks in and waves about fifteen minutes later and I can't deny that I'm glad for the break from that horrendous order coming from the cages. I have to admit that it might be better than going off to fight alien slugs though.

Hey Cassie Tobias swoops in next and takes up his normal perch in the rafters, his feathers ruffling a little before his wings rest calmly against his sides.

"Hey guys, how's it going?" I pull off the rubber gloves and toss them to the side before going over to join Ax on the bails of hay.

Alright Tobias answered. Just then Marco and Jake walked in, Marco laughing at something and Jake with a small smile as he shakes his head.

"Hey guys" I greeted them. I made a note to myself to tell Jake how good he looked today.

"Morning Cass"

"I think it's officially afternoon now Marco" I laughed checking my watch. It was a little past 12…definitely not morning anymore.

"Its Sunday, its morning until 3 o'clock." He said pointing his finger toward me. "The things I do for this world!" Everyone just laughed, when Marco makes comments like that, there's nothing else to do but laugh because they do lighten the mood for us.

"Where's Rachel" I questioned suddenly when I looked around and realized she wasn't with us. She's almost never the last to arrive and she's never late to a meeting.

"I don't know" Jake replied looking around as well his brows cocking up slightly. Everyone else just shrugged and looked up at Tobias in the rafters…it's funny how we all atomically expect him to know where Rachel is at all times…usually if I don't know, he does.

I don't know either I haven't seen her since yesterday evening

"Evening? And what were _you_ doing at her house young man." Marco looked up at Tobias, his arms crossed over his chest. "When the sun goes down you two are supposed to say goodbye" he shook his finger up the rafters as everyone smirked.

Okay Marco

"I think we would all like to know what you were doing at her house Toby boy." Marco gave an evil grin as he crossed his arms again.

"Personally, I'm not really interested" Jake of course, and he earned another round of laughter.

"Then you can leave because I wanna know."

There's nothing to tell Marco. Tobias said with a hint of annoyance.

"I'll be the judge of that. You must have left real late since missy isn't here yet" As if on cue, Rachel strolled into the barn. As I looked up at her I noticed there was something wrong. I couldn't place it though. She looked normal… perfect hair, perfect skin, basically flawless as always. But still, something wasn't right.

"Hey Rach" I said as I shrugged it off and gave her a small wave.

"Yeah nice of you to join us" Marco chirped in.

"Sorry I'm late, so what's up" she asked, casual as ever. Sometimes it's freighting how little all the violence fazes her. I know deep down it bothers her, but I can't help feeling that she needs to let it out sometimes. I was torn away from my thoughts as Jake began speaking.

"Sorry to have to cut the weekend short, but Erek just informed me of Yeerk activity. There's an old abandoned warehouse at the edge of town and the Yeerks are planning on starting a new pool underneath it. Our main problem with this is the fact that the factory is sitting on a network of pipes. The pipes travel throughout the whole town."

"So if they were to build this pool they would have multiple ways of getting down there" Ax pointed out.

"Exactly" Jake continued "So if Erek is right they are determined to get this done by the end of the week. They're putting a lot into getting this pool built. Our best bet is to go down there today and stop things before they start"

"And how exactly are we supposed to stop them. Enlighten me oh fearless leader"

"I'm getting there Marco. The pipes used to take in water from the river near that end of town. When the warehouse was built they blocked the pipes up so that the warehouse could use the tunnels. If we can get the water flowing into the pipes again, then the Yeerks won't be able to use the area for a pool."

"Prince Jake, how are we going to get the water running again?"

"Well, the wall built to block off the water isn't that strong because the water's always been calm. It shouldn't take more then our battle morphs to knock it down. Depending on how large these tunnels are we might be able to use large morphs, but Rachel I doubt your elephant morph is going to fit. So are we ready to get this done and over with."

"Sure why not. I can't wait" Marco answered sarcastically.

"I am ready Prince Jake, however I am not used to Marco being so enthusiastic about a mission. Sion"

"It was sarcasm Ax" I told him and I watched him nod…I'm not sure if he actually knows what that is though.

"Sarcasm. Arcasm. Asm." Ax started playing with sounds as we all just shook our heads. We all got up and started to leave when Marco ran and blocked the barn door. He stood with his hands in the air and his legs spread so that his body was in an 'X'. We all just stopped and stared at him as if he was crazy…sometimes I could swear that he is.

"We can't go anywhere"

"And why not Marco?" Jake asked him calmly as he rolled his eyes.

"Because a certain _someone_ hasn't said a certain _something_, and that certain _something_ always gets said before a mission. So if that _someone_ would say what _she_ needs to say we can all get this over with."

We all laughed and turned in Rachel's direction. She just looked at us blankly for a minute before making the connection

"Let's do it" she said in a voice barley above a mumble. No one else seemed to notice it, but I made a note to myself to ask her what was wrong. I looked at Rachel one last time before turning and heading out the door behind the others. We all morphed to our bird of prey morphs, with the exception of Tobias who was already in morph, and took to the sky.

At the Warehouse

We landed behind the warehouse and demorphed. "Okay is everyone ready?" Jake asked in his 'leader' voice as Marco calls it. One by one we all nodded. "Let's morph. Something that's not too big, but that can do damage." I slid up next to Rachel. She had a lost in space look on her face…she's usually the most attentive at out meetings and defintetly at our battles, no matter how small the mission, but right now she seems anything but focused, like she couldn't care less about what we were about to do.

"Hey Rach, is everything alright? You seem kinda out of it today." She cocked her head in my direction. There was something in her eyes but I couldn't read what, especially not when she rolled her eyes and smiled at me.

"Sorry, I just didn't get much sleep last night. Tobias asked me about it too." She laughed little and shrugged.

"Okay, I was just checking" she nodded in my direction as she started to go grizzly. As much as I wanted to believe her I didn't. As I began my wolf morph I got the distinct feeling that something was going to go terribly wrong.

Erek said that the Yeerks aren't going to be here until sometime this evening so we should get in and get out before they even think of coming here. Jake informed us as we started walking. We found a spot in the back of the warehouse were a door must have been. It was big enough for us all to fit through so we didn't need to make it any bigger.

So is there a specific tunnel we have to get to Marco asked Jake.

Erek said the all the tunnels in the building lead to the river. They should be located on the east side of the building.

And when we knock these blockades down how do you suppose we get around drowning. The water's just gunna pour in here isn't it.

That's that exact reason we're not going to completely knock any walls down. All we need to do it damage them. If we put cracks and stuff in enough of the blockades the water pressure will take care of the rest.

So when we see water start to leak through we stop I asked for insurance.

Yeah, pretty much. Now let's go and get this over with. Maybe we can salvage some of our Sunday. Jake replied as we started toward the east side. When we got there sure enough there was a row of about 10 tunnels.

I've always wanted to trash a hotel room. I guess a tunnel will have to do. we all laughed as Marco started beating his gorilla fists against his chest. This one's mine. he yelled as he ran for the first tunnel.

Split up and remember, at the first sign of water back off. we all took off towards a tunnel; Tobias in Hork-bajir morph, Rachel in grizzly, Marco in gorilla, Jake in tiger, me in wolf and Ax in his normal form. As I got to the tunnel and started clawing at the wall I realized I wasn't getting much damage done, so I demorphed and morphed into Hork-bajir. The blades did a much better job. I dug into the wall as hard as I could. It didn't take too long before I saw the water start to squirt out. I'm through I screamed as I ran out of the tunnel.

So am I Rachel and Tobias said as they walked out to where I was.

You guys go ahead and demorph outside, Marco, Ax and I are on the last three tunnels. the three of us headed outside. We ran into the woods behind the building and demorphed. As I finished, I looked at Tobias who was just about done and then I turned to Rachel. She hadn't even started to demorph. She was staring at something.

"Rachel what's wrong" I asked as I turned to follow her gaze. There was a man walking around the corner of the building. "Shit" I mumbled.

"Hello. Is anyone in there?" he asked. "It's not safe in there. This building isn't stable" he yelled as he peaked into the warehouse. The feeling I had earlier started came back. I turned towards Rachel, she was still in morph. She had a cut on her side and was bleeding pretty bad. It looked like something from the barricades had falling on her, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Rachel demorph, you're bleeding." She ignored me.

Rach demorph Tobias said with a hint of worry in his voice. She ignored him too. Right then I knew we were gunna have a problem.


	6. They'll Never Understand

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 6: They'll Never Understand**

**POV: Rachel**

**Things in bold a flashback**

I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. I don't know why. I could hear Cassie and Tobias saying something to me, but I couldn't make out what. All my attention was focused on that man. I started walking out of the woods and towards him... Tobias was screaming, saying something but I still couldn't make out what and to be perfectly honest I didn't care. I growled as I continued walking. The guy turned around and looked at me, unwanted memories immediately resurfacing in my mind.

"Hey there big guy." His voice was shaking as he put his hands up and started to back away. "I'm sorry is this your territory." I growled again.

"**I'm sorry it had to happen this way"**

I could feel my heart racing, anger and freight consuming me. "It wasn't very smart of me to come back here was it" he continued to back up.

"**Now that _wasn't _very smart"**

I instinctively started to move faster. I could sense this guy's fear. I wanted him to be scared as I continued to reduce the distance between us.

**Our faces were inches apart…**

**He placed his hand on my leg and moved himself closer to me. I felt his hand move up my leg and turn towards my inner thigh.**

I closed my eyes hoping everything would go away. I could hear Tobias screaming in my head but his words just fused together, nothing was making sense. My minds too busy getting lost in everything that happened last night. I can't quite separate the past from the present right now and it's driving me crazy.

"**Scream" he yelled as I felt his foot connect with my side.**

I shook my bear head and forced myself to open my eyes. When I did, I saw _him_. He had the black ski mask on and he was wearing that evil grin. He was begging me to leave him alone, he kept apologizing. I jut ignored him. I was stronger then him now. I wanted him to pay for what he did to me. All the images from last night came flooding back into my head, and along with them came all the pent up emotions, but this time things were going to be different, I was gunna fight back.

**It was by the sharp pain between my legs.**

I lunged at him and pinned him to the floor, my paw swiping across his face, my claw leaving a nasty gash. I got ready to strike again as I roared. I raised my paw and got ready to backhand him across the other side of his face…but instead I suddenly went flying off of him…a sharp pain radiating along my ribs.

**I felt something break inside me. **

I tried to get up but I couldn't. Everything hurt; it was like I was feeling all the pain from last night again. I looked over towards the man, but this time he wasn't wearing a ski mask, he didn't have smirk on his face. He was just a man with a gash on his face…a gash I had caused. Standing over him was Jake in his tiger morph. He was glaring at me, I just glared back. Ax went over to the man. He was still in his andalite form. With one look the guy mumbled something and passed out with a horrified look on his face.

-Marco go call 911- Jake yelled as he waked over to me and demorphed. "Demorph Rachel. And hurry up, we need to get out of here" his voice was calm, like my attacker from last night. I demorphed and stood up. Everyone stared at me. Marco came back and joined there little staring contest. Not that I could blame any of them but that doesn't mean I have to like it or be comfortable about it. We heard one of the walls in the building collapse, but no one moved. "Let's go" Jake finally said. We all morphed and flew back to Cassie's barn.

The flight was quiet and I was glad. I didn't really want to talk to anyone. Tobias flew next to me but didn't say anything. I kept thinking about what would have happened if Jake didn't show up when he did. I would have been a murderer.

The Barn 

"What the hell were you doing back there? What the fuck were you thinking?" My mood had changed. I wasn't the least bit angry anymore. I was feeling the same way I did last night….scared and alone. I wanted to dig myself into a deep hole and stay there, and Jake's screaming wasn't helping me.

"I don't know" I whispered. It wasn't a complete lie. I didn't know exactly what made me lash out to begin with.

"You don't know" he snapped back. "You just decided you wanted to kill a guy. He's wasn't even a damn controller Rachel. What the fuck made you attack him" Everyone just stared at me, waiting for my answer. An answer I didn't have or didn't want to give, I wasn't exactly sure at the moment.

"I don't know" was all I could manage to get out.

"I know" Marco screamed raising his hand like he was in school. "You've snapped Rachel. That's what happened. I've been saying it and I'm gunna keep saying it. You get off on the danger. You love this war and the violence that comes with it. But no, you couldn't just beat up on a wall, you wanted to see blood. So to satisfy your little craving you decided to beat the crap out of an innocent man. You're a blood hungry psychopath Rachel. Tell me something does anything bother you. Does the killing get to you? Does it give you nightmares? Or is it the other way around, do you get nightmares when you miss the chance to massacre somebody?" He looked at me like he was expecting an answer. I just kept my head down.

I couldn't get the images from last night out of my head. My attacker had said the same thing that I was a fighter. All the memories from that night, the screaming the images form earlier today, they were all just too much. I wanted to break down. I wanted Tobias to hold me.

"**He doesn't love you; he never did and never will."**

'_It can't be true'_ I thought to myself. Marco continued his screaming but I couldn't comprehend anything at the moment.

"Look at her, she's not even listening. She doesn't care" Marco screamed as he moved closer to me. He placed his hand under my chin and lifted my head so that I was staring at him. "Do you even have a soul? You honestly don't care about what you tried to do toady, do you Rachel?" He glared at me. I felt my stomach tighten and my hands start to shake.

-Marco...- why was Tobias saying anything. What did it matter to him if anything happened to me? I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard for him to find someone else to take care of him.

"What Tobias?" Marco turned form me to Tobias. "You can't keep defending her. What, do you think we should just slap her on the wrist and tell her not to do it again? Do you really think that's gunna work? She's not little miss innocent. God, when are you gunna wake up and realize that?"

"Rachel until I'm sure that you're not gunna do something like you did today, you're out of the Animorphs." Jake looked at me. He kept his voice level and it bothered me. He was pissed off and I knew it. He was reminding me of the creep from last night. They both acted like nothing was going on. Suddenly I wanted to tell them all what happened. I thought that maybe it would help, it would make everything go away. "Do you understand?"

"**I _will_ kill you, understand"…"Do you understand?"**

I nodded my head slightly just like I had done last night. "Rachel what happened?" Cassie sounded so much different from Marco and Jake. I could hear the concern in her voice. I wanted to tell her everything. Cassie has a way of making everything better, but I didn't deserve to have her make me feel better. She was my best friend and I treated her like crap. We always did what I wanted to do. Cassie hated the mall but I made her come with me all the time. I had to have my way, just like I did when I was younger. Look where that go me, look what I did to my own family. My selfishness caused problems for everyone. I wanted Tobias to give up the war so that I could have him whenever I wanted. I put so much strain on our relationship, I caused him so much stress. But what did he care anyway. He was only with me because it benefited him. Suddenly the memories from last night filled my head again. The pain and the fright, it all rushed back.

"Rachel talk to me" Cassie pleaded. I couldn't concentrate. It was all too much. Everyone was staring at me, waiting for an answer. None of them knew, they didn't understand, they would never understand. I had to get out of there. I broke away from Marco's grasp and ran for the door. Cassie grabbed my wrist, deep down I know she's only trying to help, but that doesn't matter, it doesn't stop the feelings I'm harboring inside of me.

**He grabbed my wrists and pulled me up to him**

I pushed Cassie so would let me go and she fell to the floor. I brought my hands to my mouth. I never meant to shove her that hard just wanted her to let go. "I'm sorry" I whispered as I turned my back and ran out the door. As I ran the tears started to fall. I couldn't stop them. The more I tired to the harder they fell. I ran until I came to the edge of Cassie's driveway. I turned around and looked back towards the barn.

"They'll never understand" I whispered as I turned and ran home.


	7. When Your Leader's Lost

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 7: When Your Leader's Lost**

**POV: Jake**

I watched Rachel storm out of the barn. I knew something had been going on with her lately…her personality has been getting darker since the war started. But…I never expected something like this, never did I think she would attack someone for no reason. I know everyone probably thinks I'm being kind of heartless at the moment but to be perfectly honest, this whole thing scares the shit out of me. Rach is my cousin and unlike most cousins the two of us have always been pretty close…I thought I knew her, but I'm begging to think I never knew her at all.

I saw Tobias get ready to take off after her, but something inside me said to stop him. I got up and quickly closed the barn door. He glared at me; the look in his eyes was murderous. "You can't just run after her Tobias."

-And why the hell not Jake? I don't know, maybe you can't see it or maybe you just don't care, but she needs someone right now. There has to be a reason she did what she did today.- I could here the uncertainty in his voice. It was almost as if he was pleading with me to prove he was right and as much as I want to…I can't.

"And what if there wasn't a reason. What if this is some side of her we just didn't know before" Marco's voice was sharp.

-I don't believe that-

"You just have to stick up for your girl. When are you gunna wake up Tobias? Rachel isn't some innocent little Barbie doll. She's violent and there's no fucking way you can deny that."

"Marco…" Cassie looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She knew Rach was changing and it scared her sometimes, she told me so, but they remained best friends.

"No Cassie. You can't protect her either. You know it just as much as Tobias does, but neither of you are willing to admit. How much shit is she gunna have to do before you admit who she really is. What happened today, that's just the beginning of what's to come. She tried to kill an innocent man, he wasn't even a fucking controller."

"As much as I wish it wasn't true, I know Marco's right" I said standing up and looking around. "What Rachel did today, there's no excuse for it."

"How do you know that?" Cassie asked softly.

-Yes, please tell me how you know that Jake- His tone made me cringe inside.

"If there was a reason why didn't she say anything? All she did was sit there looking ashamed. We all know at least one thing about Rachel and it's that she speaks her mind. If she thought that what she did today was right, if she could justify it in any way she would have. But the fact is she didn't." My tone was a little sharper then I intended, but i just don't know how to wrap my head around all this yet. I looked up at Tobias…his hawk eyes are virtually unreadable, but somehow I could see the pain and the heartache he was experiencing as he took in what I said. There was no explanation for Rachel's behavior and he knew it, whether he admitted it or not. "Tobias, I know you wanna go run after her and tell her everything is going to be okay..."

"But you can't" Marco cut me off, but he wasn't being mean. I think he realized what Tobias was feeling, what all of us are feeling in one way or another. "Rachel's been changing since this war started. Today I think she snapped. You can't just keep running off to save her and tell her everything is going to be just fine when it's not. If you do that, she's gunna think that she can keep getting away with all the shit she's been pulling. You can't say you haven't noticed she's been a hell of a lot more aggressive lately."

-Were fighting a bunch a damn slugs trying to take over the world. Excuse me, but I thought we were supposed to be aggressive. This is a fucking war for Christ's sake.- His voice was screaming in my head.

"We all know that Tobias," I said hoping to calm him down, I know where he's coming from, there's a part of me that wants to run after Rach too…we may be fighting a war, a war that made all of us grow up, but at the end of the day Rach is still my little cousin. "…but you have to draw the line somewhere. Eventually things are gunna get out of hand and go too far, and I think eventually was today." Tobias flew down from the rafters and landed on the ground. I watched him dimorph, and when he was done he turned to look at Marco. Since he's been living as a hawk, Tobias doesn't really show emotion in his human form, he even looks uncomfortable when he smiles. However, at the moment there was pure hatred in his eyes as he looked at Marco. He turned to face me with the same look, then suddenly it changed. Instead of being angry he seemed sad, devastated even.

"You think I don't realize that. I know you think all I'm trying to do is protect her, but it's not that. I won't believe that the same Rachel I saw yesterday would just turn around and attempt to murder someone for no reason."

"What if there wasn't a reason Tobias" Cassie got up and placed her hand on his shoulder. "I've been best friends with Rach for as long as I can remember. I noticed when the war first started to change her. At first I just shoved it off, I mean she's always been more aggressive, and like you said this is a war. But she just keeps getting darker. It's almost as if she's not human anymore. I don't want to admit it but what Jake said earlier made me think. Rachel doesn't say anything when she's ashamed and she didn't say anything today. Part of her aggressiveness is standing up for what she believes is right. The fact that she didn't do that today proves that she knew what she did was wrong." I watched as the tears started to flow down Cassie's face. Marco stepped up behind Tobias and put a hand on his other shoulder.

"I know you love Rachel. It's beyond obvious how much you care about her, but you have to realize something man, maybe she's not the same Rachel you fell in love with. I think you might be holding onto something that's not there anymore. Now that last thing I'm saying is that Rachel doesn't care about you or that you don't care about her. All I'm saying is that if you think about the reasons why you fell for her… why you protect her and stand up for her so much, maybe you'll realize that those reasons aren't there anymore." I expected Tobias to go off on him, but he didn't.

"Rachel has changed and it's not that we don't care about her anymore because we do, she's my cousin, I don't think I could never just out and out abandon her." Tobias turned and looked dead into my eyes. I took a deep breathe and continued. "The thing is, telling her that what she did was okay, that's not going to help anything. If we sit around and pretend nothing happened, that won't help either. We can't just ignore what she did today; it was a lack of judgment on her part. Her actions today were controlled by nothing but rage and we can't have that when were fighting the Yeerks. We can't sit around wondering when she's gunna snap again. I love her, but part of loving her and caring about her is knowing that she needs help."

"I know that. I know what you guys are saying is true, but how is sitting around here criticizing her helping her?"

"Its not, but you running after her and holding her isn't gunna do it either."

"So what do we do?" his eyes were pleading with me. I wanted to give him an answer. I wanted to give myself an answer but the truth was I didn't have one.


	8. Alone In This

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 8: Alone In This**

**POV: General**

She collapsed onto her bed, her blood running warm through her veins. Her blonde hair was spread across the soft quilt as she inhaled deeply, letting the fresh scent intoxicate her. She hoped with everything that it would calm her nerves, that it would help her forget but she knew it wouldn't happen. Nothing would help her, no one would be there…she was alone.

Her blue eyes glazed over with tears as she lifted her head and gazed longingly towards the empty window. He hadn't followed her, he hadn't come make sure she was okay. She could no longer see things clearly as everything matted into a watery blur and she buried her face into the blanket. She didn't want him to come after her because she wanted to be alone but still, a part of her expected him to anyway. If he cared about her he would have come, but he didn't come. Did that mean he didn't care?

The thought just made the tears fall harder, that salt staining her pale lips. Rachel had never felt this vulnerable in her life. She was always the strong one, always the rock. And now….now her world was quickly crumbling beneath her and no one was helping her to pick up the pieces. Not even Cassie had come to make sure she was alright. They had all just abandoned her.

An uneasy cold settled around the blonde's thin frame as the loneliness set in. It gave her an eerie feeling to suddenly be cut off from everyone, to have no one to depend on. It made the hair on the back of her neck and on her arms rise. She felt flustered and hot but at the same time she was shivering inside and out. Her stomach tightened and her lungs burned inside of her. Rachel pushed to her feet and rushed towards her bathroom, her knees immediately crashing to the tiles in front of the toilet. She heaved harshly but there was no food to leave her body, so the acid that left her mouth scorched her throat.

She closed her eyes and stood to her feet, her body shifting in front of the mirror. The tears had stained her porcelain like face. Imperfection settled over her and it could be seen through her eyes. The once clear blue now tainted and masked with confusion and pain, a feeling that had become more common since the start of the war. She had always kept them well hidden though, she made sure no one knew. She couldn't hide it anymore, her eyes would no longer lie for her and keep her secret. She wanted to lay in someone's arms and tell them everything. She wanted nothing more then to believe that it was all okay, but there was no one to do that for her.

That was when she shut the door and her heart iced over. She refused to let anyone in. She refused to let anyone know how bad it hurt or how much she needs them. She would not let anyone take advantage of her and she wouldn't destroy anyone's life. If she kept to herself she could avoid the pain and things might be okay. Her life might slowly start to come together and her festering wounds might slowly start to heal. As she took a final glance in the mirror she saw the cold that glistened in her moist eyes. She was by herself and she had to deal with that. She was unwanted and unloved and she wouldn't let anyone lead her to believe otherwise. She had trusted Tobias and she expected him to be there for her. She needed him to prove the man wrong but all he had done was prove him right. She wouldn't let her heart break though, she couldn't handle anymore pain.

Rachel left her bathroom and sat with her back against the head board of her bed. She held her knees tucked in close to her chest and she buried her chin in her folded arms. Her entire body shook with the fear she couldn't get rid of. Every sound echoed in her ears and the quiet of the house left a knot in the pit of her stomach. She wasn't used to feeling like this and she didn't like it. She wasn't in control anymore, her fear controlled her. Her memories controlled her as well and she didn't know how to make them disappear. They consumed her every thought and they carried pain with them.

Rachel had never known that a memory could make her feel physical pain. She could swear that she was relieving every moment of the previous night. Every bit of torment replayed in her mind. His hands roamed every inch of her body and she could still feel the icy cold on his fingertips. His calloused palms still scratched her smooth skin as he grabbed her arms and yanked her by the wrist. She could smell his heavy cologne and it settled in her throat, choking her. Chills crept along her spine and at the same time beads of sweat formed along her hairline. The sharp pain traveled from between her legs straight through her arms. She let her body slide down until her head rested uneasily on her pillow. Her body curled into the fetal position as she let herself get lost in the memory of her pain.

He watched from her window sill as her body shuddered on the bed. The salt was now dried on her cheeks but with his strong senses he could still smell it and he knew she had just finished crying. She wasn't a crier and it signaled to him that something was wrong, but something inside told him that he should leave her be. Any other time she would have realized he was at her window but he knew she was too lost in thought to comprehend anything around her. He spread his wings and swooped, soaring from her window, but worry remained in the back of his mind.


	9. Trust

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 9: Trust**

**POV: Rachel**

Two Weeks Later:

These past few weeks have been horrible…I don't think there's any other way for me to describe it. I've never felt so alone in my life and I don't think that helps any. No one has come to see me…it's almost like they don't care, like that just forgot about me. I've passed Marco in the hall and he just glares at me like I'm worse then the dirt on the bottom of his shoe. The perfect way to boost my self-esteem…do I really deserve the death stares? I'm beginning to think that I do. Jake and I just ignore each other. I've become his estranged relative...if people didn't know better they would think we were complete strangers. Cass just gives me sympathetic glances every now and then. I don't want her sympathy…I don't deserve it. I have no clue what's going on in any of their lives anymore…but I can't say I blame them for shutting me out. I wish I could get away from myself most of the time. I despise the person that I've become.

I walked over to my mirror and looked myself over. The sight was disturbing. My appetite was completely gone and I had lost more weight then I thought possible in such a short time. No one noticed it though because I made sure to wear baggy clothes. Right now though I was in a tight camisole and a pair of shorts. I could see my ribs through the black material and the rest of me looked like…I don't really know what I looked like…I just know its not right. My face was worn out…probably because I haven't slept in two weeks. I've slept maybe an hour each night…I take forever to fall asleep and then I'm jolted awake because of nightmares.

I took my image in. Was this what caused it? Was it wearing skimpy clothes like this that made him come after me? I was so caught up in the way I looked that I guess I never thought about the consequences. I pulled my hair out of the ponytail and let it cascade down my back. My arms began shaking and I could feel my legs begin to give out as I watched the first tear fall from my eye. I quickly moved over to my bed and collapsed…burring my head in the comforter. I felt so weak.

At some point I must have fallen asleep because when I sprung up it was dark. My hand was at my throat and I was gasping for breath…that was it…I wasn't getting any more rest for the night. I hated the fact that dreams could feel so real. I felt disgusting and dirty. I wiped roughly at my bare arms but there was nothing to wipe off. I began shaking again and inhaled sharply…tears of frustration sliding down my cheeks. I lifted myself form the bed and walked quickly into my bathroom. It was coming up on 10:00 but it didn't matter because my mom and sisters were out for this week and the next so I didn't have to worry about waking them up. They were on some trip but I said I couldn't miss school…truth…I was too scared to stay away from the comfort of my room for too long.

I turned the faucet on and watched the water pour into the tub. I turned on the shower before striping. I couldn't get the clothes off fast enough and I screamed out in frustration when the shirt got tangled on my arms. As soon as it dropped to the floor I grabbed a rag and stepped into the shower. The hot water beat down on my bare skin as I scrubbed my arms as hard as I could. My legs gave out and I collapsed, my back falling against the shower wall. I scrubbed my entire body. My arms were getting weak but I pushed and found the energy to keep going. I wanted this feeling to go away. I wanted to feel clean again…I would do anything to feel clean again.

I spent over an hour sitting in the tub. The water had gotten cold 15 minutes ago and I just sat with my legs tucked tightly to my body as I shivered and rocked back and forth. It took another 15 minutes to lift myself from the tub and dry off. My skin was beat red…I was even bleeding in the few spots where I had rubbed off my skin. I walked out of my room with my towel wrapped tightly around me. I pulled a long sleeve shirt on and a pair of sweat pants…I had to roll them because they were now falling off my waist. I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes…bad idea. Memories immediately flooded my mind. All the pain came back and my stomach quickly tensed. I raced to the bathroom and fell next to the toilet…my stomach knotted and the nonexistent food left my stomach. The acid burned my throat as I threw up again. And again. Each time it happened my body jerked and I could feel him pushing into me…the pain radiated through my body like everything was still happening and it just caused me to throw up again….it's like this damn never ending cycle. I don't know what was leaving my body at first but it eventually turned into acidic water…and it hurt.

I felt a hand gently graze over my back and the freight just made me throw up again. I couldn't look up, I was too weak, too sick, but most of all too scared…but my damp hair was being pulled away from my face and my back was still being rubbed. When there was absolutely nothing left in me I closed my eyes and rocked back and forth. I couldn't open my eyes and look at whoever was in my room… I was in too much pain. Tear escaped my eyes as I was lifted and carried out of the bathroom. When I hit my bed I began shaking…'not again…please not again' I thought. I forced myself to look up and see who as in my room at 12:00.

"I was worried about you…and it looks like I should be" I was supposed to stay strong around him…around all of them, but it was too late. He sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed my hand…I flinched, but he didn't let go…just squeezed tighter. "What are not telling anyone?"

"Leave" I couldn't have him here…I almost didn't trust him…why would he be in my room at this time of night. After not talking to me for two weeks suddenly he just shows up when no ones home.

"Talk to me" I hated how calm he sounded…it was making me nervous.

"Please leave" he didn't budge. "GET OUT!" I screamed as loud as my sore throat would allow, which wasn't very loud. It worked though…he was taken aback and he let go of my hand.

"Whatever you think Rach…despite what's happened in the past two weeks or so…I'm still here for you…and I always will be." With that he walked out of my room. What the hell was wrong with me? I didn't even trust my own cousin anymore.


	10. Unintended Punishment

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 10: Unintended Punishment**

**POV: Jake**

I walked out of her room reluctantly and retreated down her stairs and out the front door. I morphed into a falcon but I didn't leave, instead I flew into the big oak outside Rachel's window. It killed me to see her curled up in a ball crying.

Rachel never cries…never. I've been worried about her since I saw her run out the barn two weeks ago. She's my younger cousin and despite whatever anger I feel towards her at times…I still feel like I'm supposed to protect her. I know she'd kill me if she ever heard me say that…at least the old Rachel would. I don't know what happened to her…we all thought that she had just snapped. Now I look at her and its more like something inside her broke and she can't put herself back together.

She's always been so strong, she considered emotion weakness and because of that she hid herself from the world. That last time I saw her with a tear stained face was when we were six and our grandmother died. Today though…we were in English taking a test. I meant to glance back at the clock but she was in my line of view. She was looking down but I could still see the tears streaming down her cheeks. She was sitting among 31 other people and she was silently crying. That was nothing like her and it worried me to the point of coming over here to check on her.

I can't say I was surprised that she pushed me away, but I was surprised to see her in the position I found her in. She was making herself physically sick and her entire body was shaking. She's thinner then before…I could feel it when I carried her to her bed.

Those two things aren't what shocked me most though. It was her eyes that really got to me. Her eyes have always been this sharp cold blue…they've always shown distinct emotions…anger, happiness and since Tobias walked into her life, love…but tonight they held something different…fear…confusion. She was hurt and lost and it scared me.

Her strength is almost gone but I could never call her weak. She's strong enough to hold her head high everyday and act like nothing is wrong. She's secluded herself from everyone but never showed signs of weakness or needing anyone…not until tonight. There was a glimpse of it when she was laying on the bed, but it was gone as soon as it had come. It was replaced with anger and fear when she pushed me away. She has every right to hate me but I don't know why she's scared of me.

I stayed outside her window until 3AM, remorphing twice. She was still awake, curled up on her bed. The tears had stopped but her body still shook.

-What are you doing here?- I looked around until I spotted him circling above me.

-Checking up on her…what about you Tobias-

-I'm here every night…sometimes I'm here all night and I sometimes I come around now- his voice was cold and bitter even through thought speak.

-Look I'll leave…I was just making sure she was alright.-

-Like you give a shit-

-She's my cousin Tobias…of course I care-

-You have a real strange way of caring Jake…it took something to make you come here…I know it did because you wouldn't just come on your own…not after the way you've treated her for the past two weeks. She is your cousin and that's what makes you worse than Marco. He acts like he's ready to kill her and you just ignore her…your own family and you can't fucking see that something's wrong-

-I don't see you in there with her…sitting outside is really helping-

-I've tried going in…I'm not family so I don't have a key to unlock the door with when she doesn't hear or just ignores the bell and the knocks. She keeps her window locked at night. I've asked her to open it but she just sits there like she can't here me…I did that for three days and she just closed the curtain when she got tired of hearing me ask. So sitting out here is as close as I'm gunna get to her. At least I'm here Jake…where the hell are you… Cassie's even been here 6 times…I don't expect Marco to come…but where were you…at home sleeping while she stays awake all night crying. Did you watch her tonight?-

-Yeah I did and it killed me to see her like that-

-I'm glad…it should- I looked towards her briefly and when I looked back up Tobias was gone or he was hiding somewhere. His words stung…mostly because they were true. She deserved more than that from me and I knew it. I spread my wings and flew off…not because I didn't want to be there, but because I knew he was waiting for me to leave. I looked back towards her window and sure enough Tobias was perched on the branch I had occupied all night.

I wasn't trying to punish Rachel when I stopped Tobias from going after her…but now I'm beginning to think that's what I did. The war definitely changed my cousin and none of us can deny that…but it's not the war that has her acting like this. It was something else that was making years of buried emotion shine through. Something happened to break her spirit. She was broken the day in the barn and Tobias was the only one who saw it…the rest of us were too busy being shocked and angry. The blame is on all of us for making him stay in the barn when she walked out…for making him see things from our fucked up point of view when in reality he was the only one seeing things clearly.


	11. Choices

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 11: Choices**

**POV: Tobias**

He doesn't get it…he thinks it's okay for him to just show up here. He thinks that just because he felt bad and came to check on her suddenly everything's supposed to be okay…he's just magically forgiven for what he did.

She won't talk to me, she's won't even look at me and acknowledge that I'm here. Sometimes I really think she doesn't know I'm watching her, but that just seems ridiculous. She's Rachel, she's one of the most perceptive people I know, how could she not know I was here…how could she notice a red-tailed hawk sitting outside of her window every night…to me it just sounds insane…it doesn't sound like my Rachel.

I'm not sure if I can really call her that anymore, my Rachel. I feel like that was a privilege, actually I know it was, and I gave that privilege up the day I let her walk out of that barn…alone. She had every right to be pissed off and angry with me…I was supposed to be there for her and I wasn't. I was supposed to support her and stand up for her, not take their side.

I watch her through the window, her body is still shaking the way it has every night for the past few weeks. I wonder whether she's actually gotten any sleep tonight, or whether it's been on of those times when she just stays awake staring into space…one of those nights that results in her crawling out of bed in the morning with heavy bags under her eyes.

I miss her eyes…they've lost that glow they used to have. They never sparkle anymore…it's like her flame has burned out…permanently. I want so badly to help her, to do something and make her open up to me, make her acknowledge me, but once again I don't know if her behavior is intentional or not…like I said though, this is Rachel, so that's just crazy.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do…am I supposed to be persistent, keep coming back here night after night, keep watching her until she chooses to see me…or am I supposed to just leave her alone? Have I lost all rights to love her, to tell her that I love her. I mean, why should she believe anything I have to say, I abandoned her when she apparently needed me the most, so how can I blame her for shutting me out, how can expect her to just let me back in because I suddenly decided I wanted to be there for her, because I suddenly chose to take her side in all this.

-What are you still doing here?- I questioned as soon as I saw one of the branches in a nearby tree shake.

-I did leave, I just came back…- at this very moment I wish I was human, I wish I had those horrible human ears , because then, just maybe I wouldn't be able to pick up on the pain in his voice. But I do have my precise hearing, so I did catch the unmistakable distress in his tone, the shame and hesitation in his thought speak. I don't want to hear how much pain he's in…it makes it harder to hate him…it makes it downright impossible to think of him as this heartless bastard that abandoned his cousin.

-Why?- I don't know why I just asked that…I really don't care why he came back, actually I already know why he came back, but I don't want to hear him say it, I just want him to spread his wings and fly off again.

-Because she's my little cousin, and I know that I screwed up Tobias, I get that, but I'm here now. I know that this doesn't actually make up for the way I treated her over the past few weeks, but I am trying to be there for her now, because she needs me, and I need her to be okay. I get that you're here because you're in love with her…but she's my family Tobias, we have some of the same blood coursing through our veins, so I love her too, I don't know how not to. She's my family…I'm supposed to be there….I'm supposed to protect her and I failed at doing that…I couldn't protect her from whatever caused this…so now, if she won't let me inside, then I'm gunna do the same thing that you've been doing every night, I'm gunna sit out here and watch her and make sure that she's as okay as she can be, make sure that she's getting by the best she can and I'm gunna sit here and wait, and hope that maybe one day she'll trust me enough to let me back in-

-Jake-

-You can get pissed off, and you can hate me…you have every right to…you can scream and yell and than fly off angry, or you can sit there and ignore me, but either way I'm not leaving.-

-You have to get up in the morning…you have school- it was a stupid come back, I know that, but I'm desperate for him to leave. I want to hate him, I need to hate him, and he's making it very hard to do.

-If she can survive without any sleep, then so can I. Like I said Tobias…I'm not going anywhere.- the voice he's using can only be described as his leader voice…the voice that makes everything sound like a command…the voice that tells me I don't really get a say in all this…he's going to stay, no matter what I do…nothing short of killing him will get him to leave.

-How is she?- It's killing me to have to ask him that, but he got into the house, he's seen her from up-close. He's spoken to her, and even if it was only to kick him out, she responded to him. He's my in, he's my way of knowing how she is…he's the closest I can get to her.

-I don't know. I mean, I know she's not okay, I know that something's wrong, but if someone in her family died, then she's basically doing as well as can be expected…if this is over you not coming after her that day…then she's doing really bad…if by some chance this is really over her getting kicked out of the Animorphs…if that's what this is, then she was in this thing way too deep and she was worse than any of us realized. Tobias, if this is over the Animorphs, then Rachel needs help, the kind of help that we can't give her. But I don't know what this is about…so I don't know how she is…I just know that she's not okay.-

-What happened in her room before I got here…why'd she kick you out?-

-I went to talk to her and when I got upstairs she was throwing up. I just sat with her until she was done and then I carried her to bed. I don't know why she kicked me out, but I know that she's too thin…that she looked terrified…that she won't let me close enough to help her.-

Good. I know that's a horrible thing to think, but it's what pooped into my head and I don't really care how horrible that is. I don't think it's fair…I know it's not fair. Why does he get to play knight in shining armor whenever he feels like it, despite how badly he screwed up. He did this, this is his mistake, his screw up, even he said so…so if he broke her, what gives him the right to try and put her back together just because he grew a conscience. I look at her, in there curled up on the bed…alone…and I know without a doubt that he did this.

I hate to admit that it's not technically something he did, but it's the truth. Jake didn't do this to her, he isn't the one who made her attack the man that day. All he did was tell me not to go after her, and I can hate him for that all I want, but in the end I had a choice in the matter, and I chose to listen to Jake. I may have chosen wrong, but I chose.


	12. Grey Room

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 12: Grey Room**

**POV: Rachel**

hr 

_ i Violets are blue…roses are red…daisies are yellow…the flowers are dead /i _

I didn't go to school day. I didn't have the energy to get out of bed; it's as plain and simple as that. So now I'm just sitting here on my bed, my legs crossed Indian-style with my thick comforter wrapped around my shoulder. I've been sitting just like this for over an hour now, its probably coming up on two hours…but I can't seem to move. I just don't have the motivation to do anything…all I want is a big hole I can burry myself in. I just want to find someplace where I can hide away from the world…hide away from my thoughts, my nightmares, just away from me. But that place doesn't exist…

It just doesn't.

Who would've thought I'd know about an alien slug invasion…that I could be aware of such a thing and not care about it? Truth be told, that's the last thing on my mind…I wish that's what was bothering, that Yeerks were the main thing on my mind. I can remember a time when they were, a time when everything seemed so much easier, when I seemed calmer, more at ease. That all feels so long ago now…it's been almost a month, but it seems like it's been so much longer.

Surprisingly, Jake hasn't shown up here again. After last week, I was positive he would be stopping by to check up on me every day. I'm not sure whether I'm upset or relieved that he's stayed away…maybe a little of both. It's not like he could help me anyway…but sometimes I think it might be nice to have him around…or Cassie. I don't want Tobias here though…I'm scared that I'll say too much…that I'll slip and tell him everything and then he'll look at me differently…that he suddenly won't want to be around me. I keep trying to tell myself that everything that guy said was wrong…that Tobias would never just use me…but then I think about the fact that he hasn't shown up, the fact that he never showed up and then I'm not so sure about anything anymore.

"If it weren't for the blinking, I would swear you learned how to sleep with your eyes open" I only tense a little eat the voice. A week ago I would have jumped ten feet in the air at an unexpected voice…but a week ago I was still attempting to eat…a week ago I was sleeping at least getting a few hours of sleep each night…a week ago I didn't wake up each morning wishing that I hadn't…a week ago things were bad, but they were better than they are now.

I turn my head away from my door and pull my knees up to my chest, my head resting against them. I hear Jake sigh from the doorway, and the frame creeks when he pushes his weight off of it. "Rachel…" his says my name gently, like I'm this scared little girl and he's trying to get me to trust him, and I guess that is the situation we're in right now.

I don't say anything. I hope he understands that this means I don't want to talk. I don't know if he doesn't get it, or if he doesn't care because now he's sitting on my bed…but unlike last time he's keeping his hands to himself.

"We missed you in school today…" I'm tempted to ask him who 'we' is…why anyone would miss me. I'm almost certain all their lives are better now that I'm not in it…there's no one there who's out of control, no one who to screw up their lives anymore than they already are. I want to yell at him…scream that he's a liar.

I opt for silence instead.

"Sooo…" I don't know what he expects me to say. Does he wants to play catch up…are we supposed to stop being estranged cousins and sit here and tell each other what's been going on over the past month. Or maybe he's just like Tobias…he's using me…maybe the Animorphs have some big missions coming up and they need me, so they'll all pretend to care, they'll act like we're all really close, like nothing's ever happened, and when the missions over we can go back to not knowing each other. Maybe that's who the 'we' is...a group of people who want nothing to do with me…who probably never did. People who deserve better than me.

"You don't seem mad at me…you don't seem mad at all…but if you are you can yell at me or whatever you need to do, but will you please say something…" Silence.

I won't talk to him…I can't. There was a time when I would have told him off without a thought…but that's not me anymore. I don't know who 'me' is anymore…I just feel dead inside. The more animated me is from a time when I was happy…or close to it…from a time that I can't seem to recall anymore.

I've never been a crier, but lately it doesn't take much, and when his hand grips my arm I can feel the tears building behind my eyes. I want to tell him to let go, but I can't find my voice and the more I try to pry my lips apart the more lightheaded I get. I can feel my jaw quivering as the moisture slides down my cheeks. I could move away, I could yank my arm from his grip…I could just get up off the bed. I could run away…or scream…I could just ask him not to touch me.

But don't…I can't. I'm silent and I'm still because it's all I know how to be right now. The fighter in me is gone…I'm on high alert…constantly…but I can't seem to figure out how to defend myself. The tears are coming faster now, but he can't see my face…I'm not sure whether it would matter if he could.

Earlier, there was a part of me that wished someone would show up, that they would come sit with me, promise me that everything would be okay…hold me even. But a single touch is all it takes to make me want to be alone…no matter how innocent that touch is…might be.

I can feel him staring at me and it makes me even more uncomfortable than I already am. I hate this…I just want it all to go away. "Rachel…your shaking…"

I hadn't noticed it before, but as soon as he says it I can feel my entire body moving. I want so badly to tell him to leave…why can't I find my voice? Why is something that should be so simple suddenly so damn hard? It's just Jake…if I say let go he'll do it…nothing else will happen…he'll just let go…maybe.


	13. Not the Same

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 13: ****Not the Same**

**POV: ****Jake**

**A/N: This chapter is a belated birthday present for SouthrnBelle...I know it's really late, but hopefully it was worth the really long wait. Thanks to everyone that has stuck with this story...I know it should've been finished long ago...so thanks for dealing with the wait between chapters. Enjoy this one and I'll try really hard to post the next chapter sooner.  
**

* * *

Plain and simple…I would love to switch places with Cassie right now. I don't know what she's doing…she could be scrapping animal feces out of cages and I still wouldn't hesitate to switch with her. I'm supposed to be the fearless leader, the dependable one…the person they can go to for answers, or at least the person who can point them in the right direction. But sitting here right now, I'm no more that a teenage boy. It doesn't matter that I'm leading a group of people through a war...the fate of the world may rest on my shoulders, but no amount of battles against aliens can help me with this.

In this moment one of the strongest people I know is crying and shaking. It's not that I don't want to be here, that I don't want to help…she's family…I love her unconditionally, but she doesn't need a fearless leader…what she needs is someone with an endless amount of compassion, someone who can empathize with anyone, and that's Cassie's area of expertise, not mine.

The bed springs groan under me and I realize that she's propelled herself off the bed…forcing me to also realize that Cassie's not here…that it's me and only me in the room with Rachel. She's frighteningly unsteady on her feet, and I'm certain that it's from her apparent lack of food intake mixed with her sudden movement. Even though she's not walking, her body is still swaying, her feet stumbling even though she only trying to stand, her palm pressed forcefully above the bridge of her nose, her eyes closed tightly as she fights off what I can only assume to be a severe wave of dizziness.

I stand from my spot on the bed, my feet slowly carrying my closer to her wavering form. "Rachel…" She takes a quick step backwards at the sound of my uneven voice, her eyes attempting to open…even though they're half lidded and filled with tears, I can tells she's unfocused. Each step I take towards her results in her taking another blind step backwards. I know that she doesn't want me near her, but she backing herself into a cluttered corner…she's too close to too many sharp edges…throw in the fact that her faces seems to be growing more pale with each passing second, and it's enough to make me ignore her wants right now. My only concern right now is making sure she doesn't give herself a concussion or worse.

She's not paying attention to where she's going; the only thing on her mind seems to be getting away from me. I take a few large steps towards her, my hand sliding onto her back and pulling her body into mine before she can stumble into the lamp. Her hand drops to my chest, but she doesn't fight against me, doesn't push me away or make any movement at all, instead just lifts her head and her watery eyes meet mine, her lips parting and her breath audibly hitching in her throat. It takes a few seconds for her to drop her head and release the breath she's been holding. And then before I can even think about what to do next, she's breathing too quickly, trying to pull away from me while her lack of energy's got her leaning against me.

It's alarming to see someone who's normally so composed so disheveled. It doesn't take much effort to turn us around and force her back towards the bed, the closer we get, the harder she breathes. Her futile attempts at fighting me halt all together, and suddenly I'm all that's holding her up. She hasn't passed out, but all her energy is focused on her breathing, which she still can't regulate.

We're barely a foot away from the bed when I lift her up, gently laying her on top of the comforter. Her eyes are barely open as she watches me. Her breathing is slowing down, and before I can even tell her to sleep, she's already out.

A week ago she had yelled at me, made it perfectly clear that she didn't want me in her room. But today…she would barely look at me…and she didn't speak to me at all. It's like she's crawling further and further into herself, trying to hide from something…or maybe from everything.

My eyes roamed her room, and I'm seconds away from searching her room for…I don't know what…just some clue as to what's been going on. But she'll kill me if she wakes up and finds me snooping through her stuff…at least the old Rachel would have. It doesn't matter though, because I'm just about certain that there's nothing to find. Rachel's not the type to keep a diary…too sappy for her personality. She doesn't draw so there's not artwork to try and interpret. There's no one to go and talk to about her behavior…we were her friends, and we all abandoned her. The only person who knows what's going on is Rachel…and she's not talking.

My feet carry me over to her window and without hesitation I open it. I doubt he's out there, but when he is, he'll be able to come in. I may be the one with access to her, but Tobias can read her better than any of us. Eventually she has to stop freezing him out, and maybe then he'll be able to help her through this, help her cop with whatever it is that's eating her alive.

I shift my gaze back to her sleeping form. She's swimming in her sweatshirt, her hands tucked away in the sleeves. The weather's been cooling down lately, but not enough to need layers. Her cheeks are flushed and I know she must be burning up in a sweatshirt and sweatpants…most the girls in school today were walking around in jeans, short-sleeve shirts, and flip-flops. I sit on the edge of the bed, my hand slipping under the edge of the sweatshirt to make sure she's got something else on underneath before I pull it over her head, leaving her in a long sleeve shirt. The skin on the back of her neck is clammy to the touch and I can't for the life of me figure out how she stayed in a long sleeved shirt, a sweatshirt, and was sitting under the comforter.

Maybe she's in layers to hide her weight…or lack thereof. Rach has always been thin…but this is far beyond being thin. I thought I could feel the vertebrae in her back when I stopped her from walking into the lamp, but I shook that thought out of my head…there was no way Rach would ever let herself get that emaciated. But looking at her now, I know I wasn't imagining things…I can see her ribs protruding through her shirt, and the fabric isn't clinging to her skin. I guess seeing her everyday made it hard to realize just how badly she was wasting away, but now that I actually stop and think about, I realize just how much her face has sunken in, just how dark the circles around her eyes are. I hate to think about it, but Rachel doesn't even look like an anorexic…I mean maybe one that's been suffering for years…but not even…she looks more like…like an addict…like someone whose going through a really bad withdrawal.

The thought sends a shiver through me…everything in me is screaming that there's no way Rachel would ever even consider drugs...but the more I think about it, the more it seems like the obvious answer to all of this. She pushed everyone around her away, granted we walked away from her, but she won't let any of us in anymore, no matter how hard we try. She's become such a recluse lately…she's always so jumpy now….the way she shakes, how unfocused she's been. It would explain her getting physically sick last week…her outburst, telling me to get out of her room…it would even explain the incident at her last mission. I glance around her room, because now I know what I could be looking for. But my gaze quickly falls back on her…it's impossible…Rach doing drugs…there's nothing to find in her room…I don't care how much sense it makes…Rachel doing drugs makes no sense at all…the idea is absolutely ludicrous. So why is something inside of me itching to search her room?

This is Rachel though…my cousin…my younger cousin…the girl I used to run around with in the backyard playing tag, the girl I used to sneak downstairs with to get an extra serving of dessert.

But that Rachel…she isn't the same girl that's lying on the bed…and I just don't know anymore…and I refuse to search her room because I'm not sure that I wanna know.


	14. We Might As Well Be Strangers

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 14****We Might As Well Be Strangers**

**POV: ****General**

There are five people in the room and somehow it's quiet enough to hear a pin drop. Granted one of them is sleeping…but the other four…they're just staring, at each other and at the blonde curled up on the bed. No one knows what to say….not even the usually witty Marco. He had been unbelievably reluctant to join the group…but hearing the strain in Jake's normally calm voice was enough to make him put his anger towards Rachel aside, at least for the moment. He hates to admit that he was so blinded by rage that he barely noticed things had gotten this out of hand. This was the first time he really noticed how thin Rachel had gotten, how tired she looked, even while she slept.

Watching her now, he hates to admit that part of his anger had been fueled by jealousy. Rachel had gotten out of the group…she was free from the stupid alien war. He wanted to be out…he wanted to spend his weekends like a normal teenager, not having to worry about the next big fight…the next instance that could steal his or one of his friends' lives. But watching the blonde frown in her sleep, he knows there was nothing for him to be jealous of…nothing at all.

On the other side of the room, Tobias is in human form, sitting on the ledge of the window. For weeks he's been trying to get inside of this room, but now that he's in he has no idea what to do…he hadn't thought that far ahead. He knows it's not a simple as holding her until her troubles disappear, until her worries fade into nothing…this is more serious than that.

He's dying for her to wake up, for her to just open her eyes so they can all finally deal with this…so they can figure out exactly what's wrong and push through it. But there's a part of him that wants her to stay asleep…not because he knows she needs, but because he's not sure if he's ready to deal with whatever 'it' is. Jake could be right…as crazy and impossible as it sounds…drugs would make sense…it would all piece together…everything except why and when she started taking them. But he hopes with all he has that that's not it, and he's wracking his brain to find some other logical explanation for her behavior. So he needs her to stay asleep just a little bit longer, so that he can figure out what's going on, that way he'll be just a little more prepared for this intervention of sorts. But as she sighs lightly and brings her hand up over her eyes, he knows he's out of time.

Rachel's got everyone's attention, and she knows it before she even fully opens her eyes. When she does sit up and lock eyes with Cassie, the unsettling feeling starts to develop in her stomach, and she knows it's only a matter of time before that feeling completely consumes her. Seconds of silence slowly turn to minutes and still all anybody seems to be able to do is stare.

"How are you feeling…" it's Jake that finally finds his voice, but he doesn't get a response, at least not a vocal one…instead they all watch as the blonde scoots up towards the head board, her eyes meeting Jake's briefly before falling back towards the sheets. "Look…I'm sorry about the ambush…I know this is the last thing you want right now, but…Rach, I didn't know what else to do..."

"Rachel you can talk to us…" Cassie takes a step forward, wishing that her friend would at least look up. It's frightening to see the extreme timidness the blonde is exhibiting…it's just so out of character. "What's going on…"

"Rach…" despite that fact that he's dealing with human eyes, Tobias can still see that she's crying. He makes his way toward the bed, his hand reaching for hers as he sits on the bed. His frown deepens when she pulls her hand away.

"Please just go away…" her voice is weak and raspy, but they all hear her clearly.

"Rach please…" He has to stop himself from reaching out to touch her again and there's no denying that it's hard to not be able to just wrap his arms around her. He's desperate for her to open up and talk…it doesn't have to be to him…as long as she talks to someone and stops harboring all the pain.

"We just wanna help…" he's almost positive he's the last person who should be talking to her about trying to help, he's shunned her the most these past few weeks, but none of that changes that fact that Marco is genuinely worried about the girl he's used to referring to as Xena…a nickname that doesn't seem to fit her at all right now.

She's never been claustrophobic…but right now she feels like the walls are all closing in on her. She must have been out of her mind when she was wishing they were all there with her…because now that it's happened, she wants nothing more than for all of them to leave. She can feel her arms starting to shake and she knows a panic attack is beginning. It doesn't take long for breathing to become unsteady, for her to feel like the temperature in the room just jumped ten degrees.

Cassie's the first one to notice that the blonde's cheeks' are flushed, that her breathing's become erratic, and within seconds she's sitting on the edge of the bed, her hands cupped against Rachel's face. "Breathe Rach…" despite how panicked the situation is making her, Cassie manages to keep her voice calm and even. The two girls lock eyes, but it does nothing to help the blonde. Images and feelings she's spent week trying to suppress are finding their way to the surface…all of them rising too fast for her to control, too fast for her to even think about how to push them back down. It doesn't take long for her to realize that she won't be able to push all the feelings aside…the sudden wave a dizziness makes it all the more clear…so she opts for the only thing she knows how to do…to shut down…to curl up and hide inside herself. She pulls away from Cassie's grasp and slides back down into a horizontal position, her back towards the door and knees pulled up to her chest.

None of them know what to do, but Cassie can only guess that there're are too many people in the room for the blonde's comfort…so she quietly signals for the three boys to leave the room, and she meets Jakes worried gaze with what she hopes is a reassuring smile. With the shutting of the bedroom door, the room is once again silent with the exception of Rachel's heavy breathing.

The blonde shuts her eyes tightly, trying desperately to block out the sounds…his menacing voice, her own pained screams…but the sounds only give way to images she doesn't want. She can feel his hands on her body and suddenly she's cringing over a feeling that's not really there.

Cassie just sits on the edge of the bed, staring and hoping that something will magically come to her…that she'll figure out a way to fix whatever the problem is. She should have been here earlier, should have put her issues aside and been by her best friend's side. But Cassie knows that she's too passive for all of this…confrontation was never her strong suit. She's always been the one to just go along with things in order to keep the peace. It's not in her personality to grab Rachel by the shoulders and badger her until she finally talks…she just doesn't know how to do things like that. Aggressiveness and the drive to get to the bottom of things is part of Rachel's personality…but Rachel's the one in trouble.

"It happens over and over again…everyday" It's fifteen minutes later that Cassie's head jerks up, her mind snapping back to reality. Her gaze shift towards Rachel and she's shocked to see the heavy flow of tears leaving her friend's blue eyes. Rachel's attention is focused on the far wall, and Cassie can't help but frown at the fact that the blonde neither looks nor sounds like she's in the present. She wants to grab her friend's hand, but she refrains because won't risk causing Rachel to clam up again. "Every time I go to sleep…or if I shut my eyes for too long…it happens all over again and I can feel it all…" the blonde blinks and finally manages to meet Cassie's eyes. "It hurts Cassie…it all just hurts…all the time." She's always heard that talking about things like this is supposed to make it better…but all she feels is this overwhelming feeling of pain…like she's suffocating. It's not like the movies or books…no weight has been lifted, no happy feelings about sharing her pain have developed…it still just hurts…she's pretty sure that it hurts even more. Maybe if she says the actual words it'll make a difference, maybe the screaming will go away…she wants nothing more for it to go away…she _needs_ it to go away.

"Rachel…"

"I…" it's just a word, but somehow she can't manage to put a voice to it. She feels Cassie's hand slide around hers and she knows it's meant for comfort, but she's can't stop herself from pulling away…and once again she finds herself sitting up, back against the headboard, and knees pulled tightly to her chest.

"I'm sorry…" Cassie pulls her hands back into her lap as she bites her bottom lip. She looks at Rachel from the corner of her eye and can only hope that she didn't just blow any chance she had at figuring things out. "Please talk to me…"

"I…I can't…" she feels pathetic and helpless. The more she strains to say the words the louder the screaming in her head gets, the more real the pain shooting through her body feels. "I…he…I…." she shakes her head dejectedly at her own incompetence, and she misses the confused look that passes over Cassie's face as the latter tries to figure out which he her friend is talking about.

And then that moment she had been waiting for…that moment of clarity when everything suddenly makes sense…when it all just comes to her…it happens...and she realizes that Jake's drug theory isn't the only logical explanation. There's something else that make perfect sense…and yet it makes no sense at all, because this is Rachel and…that's enough for it to not fit. "Who's he…"

The blonde locks eyes with her friend…she hadn't realized she's said 'he'…she hadn't meant to...and something in Cassie's eyes, in her voice…it let's Rachel know that her secret's out…Cassie knows. "I…" Then why can't she make herself say it.

"Rachel…" there's a distinct pitying tone in her voice, a tone she normally would have receive a glare for, but the blonde barely seems to notice.

"I don't know who it was…" her eyes are once again cast downward…she's too ashamed to look Cassie in the eye. All she has to do is say the words and things will start getting better. "But…he…" Cassie wants nothing more than to throw her arms around the blonde and tell her that it'll all be okay…but she knows that Rachel needs to finally say that words because it's clear that she hasn't said them to anyone before, that she's never even said it to herself. "he…he raped me…and I go through it again every day." She turns her head away from Cassie and lets the tears fall harder because although she's not choking on the word anymore, she can still hear herself screaming, and it hasn't stopped hurting any.

Cassie has her own tears crawling down her cheeks as she reaches her hand out again, but the moment it touches Rachel's arm, the latter pulls her knees closer to her body and Cassie quickly pulls her hand away. She wants to say that everything will be okay…but she feels like it would be a lie. Right now everything is far from okay and if Rachel were to ask her when things would be okay, she wouldn't have an answer. So she keeps quiet and keeps her hands folded in her lap because she doesn't know what else to do. She doesn't know how long they stay like that, but eventually Rachel slide back down onto her side and falls into another uneasy sleep.

She leaves the room quietly, closing the door behind her. She wants to stay, she wants to help, but she's never felt so completely useless before. And suddenly she finds herself wishing that Jake's outlandish drug theory had been correct, because that she could deal with, then she'd have at least some idea of how to help…then she wouldn't have to walk downstairs and watch all their faces when they finally learn the truth.

She walks tentatively down the first few steps and glances down into the living room…Marco is sitting with his elbows propped up on his knees, his hands gripped together tightly…Tobias is standing in the corner of the room, staring blankly out of the window, and Jakes sitting across from Marco with his head buried in his hands. She's not sure who's gunna take the news worse…what she is sure of is that drugs would have been better…just about anything would have been better.


	15. A Secret Between Friends

Story: Secrets

Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!

Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.

Chapter 15: A Secret Between Friends

POV: Jake

She knows. I watched her come down the stairs…eyes cast downward and the weight of the world burdening her shoulders. She glanced between Tobias and I, a few times, before she dropped her eyes again and muttered that Rachel had gone back to sleep. She didn't say anything else…no mention of any conversation that took place between them…she just sat down in the empty seat next to me and folded her hands in her lap…but she knows. Cassie got Rachel to talk but she won't let the rest of us in on what the hell is going on.

That was 36 hours ago…36 hours ago Rachel finally admitted what was wrong…then she went to sleep, and she hasn't woken up yet. She should be in a hospital…tucked away in a twin sized bed in the corner of some private room with sterile white walls and a cheap photograph of an unknown landscape. But she's got animal DNA running through her veins and within an hour of being admitted she'd probably become the latest member of The Sharing…so taking her to the hospital is not an option.

I haven't used the word love in reference to Rachel since I was seven years old and eagerly and proudly signed her birthday card in cursive. It's not that I stopped loving her after that… we just grew up over the following summer. She started taking gymnastics seriously and Marco managed to convince me that it wasn't cool to hang out with a girl…regardless of the fact that even at that age Rachel could hold her own against any of the boys our age. The summer after, her mom started letting her pick out her own cloths for school and while I got hooked on just about everything that involved running around with a ball, shopping became her sport of choice. We were still glued to the hip at family functions, but slowly, waving to each other across the school hallway turned into small smiles of acknowledgment, and by the time we were eleven we had entered a whole new world called junior high, and we could walk right past each other like complete strangers.

I've always had Marco and she's always had Cassie, but back before popularity became a necessity, before sports, music and clothes became the heart of life, before the opposite sex developed cooties and then gave the word 'hot' a whole new meaning…back before life came into the picture, we were best friends. Although the actual titles had already been given to other people, the meaning behind the term 'best friends' was wrapped around us and everything was just easier. We were flying high…and then life stole in and grounded us both when her parents got divorced. Thinking back now, that was the same summer gymnastics became more than just fun; she had told me once that she didn't have to think when she was walking across the beam or tumbling across the floor. I told her I thought all that stuff took a whole lot of concentration, and I remember looking at her like she had three heads when she said it did. I didn't understand it then; at seven I couldn't process what was actually happening, and I don't think she could either; she had thrown herself into gymnastics because reality had slapped her in the face and suddenly things weren't perfect anymore, and if she was putting all her focus on tumbling passes then she didn't have to think about her life crashing down around her, and if she could stay up on the beam then maybe she wouldn't crash with it.

Maybe I had known that behind all the bright smiles and laughter, she wasn't really okay. Maybe even as a little kid I had known she was falling and just watched. Maybe at seven years old I had witnessed my best friend change and instead of trying to bring her back, I disentangled myself from her, from us, and I walked away. At seven years old we went through something we didn't understand and while it terrified us both, she stayed behind and waited for it to get better and I let it go and walked away…simply because although she couldn't, I could. We spent all these years lying to ourselves, pretending that everything was okay…I watched her emotionally close herself off from the world and chose to just keep on pretending because maybe if we ignored it long enough it would just go away.

And then Tobias came along, and I watched as her smiles gradually became genuine again…and as her happiness grew, I conveniently ignored the darkness that was growing at alongside it. But deep down I always knew it was there…I knew because despite the distance that had formed between us, I still knew who she used to be. But the darkness in her grew and I made the mistake of letting that new image replace the one I had of her…and maybe if I hadn't done that…if I hadn't once again taken the easy way out and convinced myself and everyone around me that Rachel had been consumed by war, when in truth, a complete different type of darkness had taken hole, maybe then we wouldn't be in the position we're in. Maybe then I wouldn't be sitting here foolishly wishing that I could put a big band-aid on this shell of a person and suddenly be able to call her Rachel again.

"How's she doing?" I watch Cassie sit on the edge of the bed, her hand unconsciously moving to rest on Rachel's comforter covered leg.

"I couldn't really say…since I don't know what's wrong with her…" I could hear the coldness in my words and in my tone, but it all seemed to just fall out of my mouth before I had a chance to even think about it. I had an apology forming on my lips seconds later, but those seconds passed by and the half-hearted 'sorry' never got a voice.

"Jake…" her voice trails off and I can tell how torn she is. It doesn't take reading between the lines to know that she's all but begging me to let this go. But I can't…because my thoughts keep circling around the idea that maybe this time… "You can't fix her…it's not as easy as taking out the bad guy…you can't save her from herself…"

My eyes lock with hers and I realize that I wasn't the only one who watched Rachel…run away from herself. The only difference was that Cassie stayed by her side through the entire thing…she went along for the ride while I bowed out. And I'm beginning to realize now that Cassie's passiveness isn't what prevented her from snapping at her best friend when the emotional aspect of their friendship didn't balance out…it was understanding that Rachel couldn't show that she cared. Admitting in any way that someone else mattered to you was what opened you up to getting hurt…it's the people that make you smile, the ones that bring you pleasure…they're the ones that bring the most pain.

"Tell me…" I don't break eye contact with her…hoping that maybe it will get her to speak…to share Rachel's secret.

"Don't…" something flashes in her eyes before she looks down…and suddenly it hits me that it's bad. I knew it wasn't anything good…but this is something she's scared to voice.

"Please" I can't look away…if I look at her long enough I might just be able to figure out what the two of them are hiding…because for some reason I feel like I have to know. I don't know what I'll do when I find out, I don't know how I'll make this better for her…for us…but I need to know what happened…I need to know just how badly I screwed up.

"You can't change it…just…"

"Cassie…please…" the words are ground of through gritted teeth and I don't know whether they sound more pleading, painful, or frustrated. I watch the tears build in the corner of her eyes.

"Don't yell at her, or around her…try not to touch her…don't force her to do anything she doesn't want to…make sure there aren't too many people around at a time…if you wanna help her Jake…right now you just have to do whatever she asks…even if she asks you to leave her alone."

Control…all of this is about control and putting it back into Rachel's hands. The wheels in my head are turning so fast that I'm sure I'm about to explode. Everything is falling slowly into place and instead of things clearing up around me, I feel like I'm suffocating. There are so many ways to take control away from someone…but a sixteen year old girl with a spirit like Rachel's…to break her like this. The crying…the layered clothing…the loss of appetite, or sudden need to control it…my cousin with the viscous bark and equally viscous bite suddenly scared of her own shadow.

I'm choking on the word that Cassie won't say…a word I can't say…because this is Rachel…a girl who loves chocolate chip cookies, but not nearly as much as she loves the dough, a girl who can spend hours staring up at the stars because she finds all the shapes they make astonishing…a girl whose bad mood can be instantly swept away by stepping on a balance beam…a girl who would never admit it, but once made me check under the bed for monsters after we hid behind the corner to watch a Friday the 13th marathon.

Apparently I hadn't looked hard enough, because some monster had found her…and hurt her in the worst way…and then I left her alone to deal with the aftermath of it all. And now my head is swimming and I'm sure my face has just lost all its color, and before Cassie can even think about asking if I'm okay, my feet are staggering towards the bathroom.

As I drop to my knees all I can think about is how badly I wish Cassie hadn't said anything…how right she was when she wordlessly tried to tell me that I didn't want to know.


	16. Rights

For as long as I've known him, Jake's been the guy that wants everyone to be happy. The guy who believes whole heartedly in doing what he believes is the right thing because although it's not always easiest, it's what will benefit everybody most in the end. He'll sacrifice his own happiness and sanity for the people he cares about. In short – Jake is Mr. Fix-It.

It's why he's spent the past 24 hours sitting on a hard wood chair next to Rachel's bed. She's spent the majority of that time asleep or passed-out, I'm not 100 percent sure which, but she's aware that Jakes knows. All it took was one look at his face the first time she woke up, the torment and guilt and torment in his eyes. I expected her to yell at me. I expected a look of utter betrayal to take over her face. I expected her to kick us both out of her room. What I didn't expect were the tears that slipped down her cheeks and the look of shame that played in her eyes as she whispered that she was sorry.

I could see him struggling to reach out and touch her …to grab her hand or pull her into his arms and promise to keep her safe. I had forgotten until yesterday how close they used to be, how protective he was over her when they were younger. He was like an older brother, someone she used to complain about, though she secretly appreciated his efforts. To watch Jake fall apart at the seams at what he's deemed his worst and most personal failure even though he and Rachel haven't been particularly close in years, it make my stomach turn. If this is how Jake is responding…I can't imagine what Tobias is going to do.

I know this isn't my secret to tell…but he deserves to know. Whether Rachel wants him to be here or not, I don't know if anyone has more right to be by her bedside then Tobias. He deserves to know…but I can't tell him. I can't watch his world fall apart from a single word. A word I haven't even been able to say yet. I need Jake to do this. I need him to pull himself together long enough to tell Tobias that he was wrong, to tell him that he never should have stopped him from running out of the barn that day.

It's selfish and cowardly of me to want, to expect Jake to just dive head first into the probable end of a friendship. To knowingly start a conversation that will more than likely end in him receiving mental and physical scars. But Rachel isn't going to tell him and I can't do it…and the only other person who knows is Jake. But he won't do it either. Deep down I know that it's not that I can't tell Tobias…it's simply that I don't want to. But Jake…he actually won't be able to get the words out. The place he seems to be in now, guilt ridden and utterly lost, I don't know if he'd even be able to look Tobias in the eye. And I know that unlike me, his inability to tell would have nothing to do with cowardice. He knows that he made the wrong decision and he would probably be glad to have Tobias lay into him. Knowing Jake, his biggest concern would be breaking Tobias's heart or causing him to feel any semblance of the guilt Jake is currently harboring.

"Cass…" his voice is timid, a word I never thought I'd use in relation to Jake. I look past him to see that Rachel is out again, restless in a sleep she can't figure out whether she craves or fears. "We have to tell him…" He looks at me with tears in his eyes and a fear and resignation that makes my heart break for him.

Jake's second biggest concern…the possibility that Tobias might try to ban him from seeing Rachel. And although Tobias technically wouldn't have any right to do so, Jake wouldn't fight him on the issue, his guilt wouldn't let him. He'd walk away simply because he knows better than I do that nobody has more right to be in the chair he's currently occupying more than Tobias.


	17. 15 Hours

**Story: Secrets**

**Legal Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Animorphs, they belong to KA. If I did own the Animorphs Rachel would still be alive and the series would still be going!**

**Summary: Rachel has a secret, but what will she do when the people she usually turns to abandon her. The high rating is for later chapters.**

**Chapter 17: 15 Hours**

**POV: Tobias**

I can hear them from over a mile away. I'm sure they think they're whispering, trying to prevent me from hearing whatever they're here to tell me before I'm supposed to, but their voices are crystal clear in my ears.

"Are you sure were doing the right thing?"

"No. But we have to tell him."

"I know…but I feel like we're betraying her or something. Don't you?"

"A part of me does. But I think this will help."

"What if it doesn't…what if it just backfires and makes everything worse?"

"I…I don't know what else to do Cass. He's always been able to get through to her. I just…I don't know what else to do."

There's a clear desperation in his voice, and at first it makes me livid. He doesn't get to be concerned now…not after all this time. He was supposed to be concerned months ago but instead he turned his back on her. And he convinced us all that it was the right thing to do. I don't think it's possible to be any angrier with Jake than I am in this moment.

"He'll find a way to help her…I know he will." Despite all the anger that's building inside me for the past few minutes, the desperation and false conviction in his voice worries me. It makes my stomach knot in a way it's never done before, and I quickly realize that I'm not just worried. I'm actually scared of whatever they're here to tell me.

I know that whatever's going on with Rachel isn't good. It can't be. I've seen her vulnerable before, I've seen her worried and scared…but I've never seen her like this. I knew it was going to be an uphill battle getting her to open up and find a way to fix whatever's got her so lost. It's been eight days since our so called intervention and since that time the idea of drugs has become increasingly possible in my head. I've been flying around trying to figure out another explanation, but nothing else has made sense to me.

The crunching off the grass under their feet is getting louder and I know they'll be here in a few minutes. I watch as they enter from the opposite side of the meadow and Jake's shoulder's seem to immediately tense. Cassie reaches for his hand and intertwines their fingers, a gesture that makes me feel like my heart has just plummeted into my stomach. I haven't been able to do something so simple in almost 2 months and it just reminds me how much I want the old Rachel back…how desperately I miss her.

I spread my wings and fly down to the base of the tree I've been sitting in. I don't know if its intuition of something entirely different, but something is telling me that I need to be human for this conversation. I lose sight of them momentarily as I readjust to having human eyes, but I find their outlines a minute later and attempt to wait patiently for them to cover the reaming distance. As they approach it become painfully obvious that this is the last place either of them want to be right now, and it makes the sense of dread that's been overwhelming me since I first picked up on their conversation increase exponentially. Cassie looks guilty and heartbroken while Jakes just looks completely drained, like he can't even find the will to believe the words that came out of his mouth minutes ago.

The come to a stop a few feet away, still hand in hand, but no one says anything. Their eyes seem to be locked on the grass beneath them. "You came here to tell me something, didn't you…" I don't mean to sound so bitter, especially not to Cassie, she was just blindly following Jake like the rest of us. But I can't take the words back and I can't see the point in apologizing…they did come here with a purpose.

Cassie is the first to look up and she starts to cry as soon as she meets my eye. I don't know what they're going to say, but the more I watch them the more I want them to just come out and say it….like ripping off a band-aid. "Tobias…" My name slips from Jake's lips as he finally looks up, but there's nothing after that. He shakes his head and looks back down.

"Rachel's okay…right." Fear grips me like a vice when neither of them even attempts to answer me. "I mean…I know she's not okay…but nothing's happened to her right…she's okay." I'm mumbling in circles but it's the best my mind seems to come up with at the moment.

"No..it's nothing like that…she's alright…" It's Jake that finally stutters out the words when he catches my meaning. As soon as the words leave his mouth I know that my thoughts had been irrational…Cassie wouldn't be worried about betraying her and Jake wouldn't be talking about me making her better and if anything had happened to Rach since last week. But I still can't help but close my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief.

"But something did happen to her Tobias…" My eyes fly open again as Cassie's strained voice breaks through the silence that had developed again. She looks like she's trying to tell me without having to actually say anything. Like if she just stares at me long enough, hard enough, in just the right way, I'll suddenly know everything. Like I'm just supposed to suddenly understand what's going on. Neither of them wants to tell me…that much was obvious from the moment they stood in front of me. But they both look like just saying the words are going to be unbelievably painful for them and I can't imagine why. I know now that it's not drugs…it's worse than drugs…whatever it is…it's much much worse.

She's scared to tell me…scared to look at me. Something in Cassie's eyes is making it very clear why she doesn't want to be here – she feels bad for me. Her eyes flash towards Jake, and it's only for a moment, but the only way to describe the look is sympathy for the devil. She thinks I'm going to hurt him. Whatever they're about to tell me has her pitying me and fearing for him. And I suddenly know without a doubt that this is going to hurt. The shear intensity in her gaze tells me that the new few words are going to cause me both mental and physical anguish. It's that bad.

"Will one of you just tell me…" It's not until I hear my voice cracking that I realize I've got tears in my eyes. That's how worried I am because there's one thought that keeps forcing its way into my mind. But I keep pushing it away because it doesn't make sense. Because I saw her the night before the battle…the night before this all started. She was fine when I left her…she was happy. I kissed her goodnight and flew away and she was fine…she was still my Rachel. It was only 15 hours between then and the group meeting up at the barn. Sure she had seemed a bit distracted, but she promised me she was okay…just tired. 'A little under the weather' were the words she used. She had even laughed and told me to stop worrying.

"We're not sure when it happened…she hasn't really spoken about to either of us. But I'm assuming it was the day before her last mission." I can hear Jakes voice, but I'm barley listening to him.

She had looked fine when she walked into the barn that afternoon. She looked the same as she did when I left her the evening before, every strand of hair in place. She wasn't caked in make-up…I would've been able to tell. There wasn't a single mark on her skin. She wasn't limping or breathing weird…she wasn't in any pain. She was fine. Physically…she was fine.

"She told Cassie she doesn't know who it was, that he just came up from behind and grabbed her." He stops talking and I can't help but feel a sense of relief. "She didn't really say anything about it…no kind of details or anything at all really…just that's it happened. Just that she…"

"SHUT UP" I can't help it. The words just tumble out of my mouth before I know what I'm saying. I don't want to hear this…I can't hear this. She was physically fine that afternoon in the barn…perfect…gorgeous…but why wouldn't she have been. Of course she wasn't in physical pain…of course there were no bruises…no injuries…no broken bones…no proof. She walked into the barn and she was fine. After that awful mission she was battered and bloody but she demorphed and she was fine…she was Rachel.

And I listened when they told me she was just being herself. I knew something was wrong…I knew…but I listened when HE told me not to go after her. Before I realize what's happened, Cassie has jumped back, my hand is throbbing, and Jake is on the ground, his nose bleeding. I watch as he stands up, and attempts to wipe the blood from under his nose. My first thought is that I didn't mean to do that…but then I quickly realize that I don't want to apologize…I want to hit him again…I want to hit him harder. And before I can stop myself…I do. I swing at him with everything I have and even with human senses I can not only feel but hear the bones in his nose crack at the same time as the ones in my hand.

"TOBIAS STOP" Cassie's voice echoes throughout the empty meadow. Jake is back on the ground and I can hear him trying to tell her that it's fine…that he'll be okay. But I can't hit Jake anymore. For one…I'm pretty sure I just shattered my hand. Second…as Jake props himself up on his hands I can't stop myself from falling to my knees. I can't seem to catch my breath as it really sinks in just what's happened to Rachel….just how badly she's been hurt. With all the pieces in place it's become painfully clear just how far she's fallen…how emotionally damaged she currently is.

They're expecting me to help her…to bring her back. But knowing what's happened…I don't know if she'll ever be more than a shell of the person she used to be. I've fallen back against the trunk of my tree. I watch as Cassie takes a step toward me, but she stops when she catches my eye. I don't know what she sees right now…I know I've got tears creeping out of my eyes…I know my hand is completely limp. I also know it's neither of these things that has Cassie looking like her heart is being torn to shreds. Maybe it's how quickly the anger has seeped out of me…how quickly I've become emotionally crippled. Maybe it's the fact that she can see my heart breaking into a million pieces at the idea of someone hurting Rachel…at it breaking further at the idea of me hurting her even more. Maybe it's because she's seeing exactly what she feared she would. Whatever it is, it makes her take a step back toward Jake instead of toward me like she initially planned. Cassie's the empathetic one…the one who always wants to comfort people…but right now, I scare her. She can't even seem to look at me…all of her attention has turned to Jake…trying to convince him to morph so his nose will stop bleeding.

Because morphing will make it all better. It will heal the broken bones and get rid of all the scars. It he morphs now, when he returns to human form it will be like nothing happened…he'll be fine.

I know I should have morphed. It would've healed my hand. It would have been faster. But my body reacted before my mind could catch up and I'm suddenly sprinting away from them. The only thing I can feel is the overwhelming need to get to her. I can hear both of them shouting after me…but I can't stop running…even if I wanted to I couldn't stop. I have to see her. I don't know what I'll do when I get there…but it doesn't really matter. This horrible thing happened to her and I left her alone…I just…left her. Somebody hurt her and because all they physical traces were erased I ignored the nagging feeling that something was wrong.

I keep telling myself that she looked fine. It was only 15 hours…I left her for less than a day…why wouldn't she be fine. Nothing that atrocious could've happened to her in that short a time. She walked into the barn and she was fine…she was the same old Rachel. Except she wasn't.

And no matter what I tell myself as a sprint toward her way too late…I knew. I knew she wasn't okay…and I let her walk away. I left her alone. That thought makes me move faster.

But I know that no matter how quickly my legs move, I'll never get there fast enough…to her room…to her. To that place I should have been all along.e I left h


End file.
